Posted on Friday, 6th August 2010 by Stat Doctor
After intense negotiations that promised a body guard that could beat up McGeady’s Spartak Moscow bodyguard, an interpreter to understand what the LotW is saying that could put C3PO to shame, a cook that makes McGeady’s Russian cook look like a fry cook at McDonalds, etc. Matt is signed to the thecelticblog and will appear on Friday’s when he can be arsed.
On Saturday August 14th, wherever you watch Celtic, before you either take your seat in bumfuck Inverness Caley, the stool at your local, or your couch and your Celtic messageboard of choice (I’m a Na Dead Raibead and Huddleboard man myself), take a look to the left, the right, behind you, and in front of you. Look at the people around you. I personally guarantee that one of these punters is a moany cunt. Not just a normal moany cunt, such as the one saying “Aw, it’s fucking raining again!” No, this is a Celtic moany cunt. You know the types. Now, before I go any further, let me just say that I am not one of these types to say “You can’t criticize Celtic.” Far from it, there is a lot to be skeptical of right now in the world of Celtic. However, this guy (or girl) would say “Aw, we’re pish, shoulda beat them by mair!” when Celtic beat a SPL peon. Most of you immediately thought of someone when I just described this person. If you did not think of anyone, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you’re that person. Sorry. Now, you can never say I didn’t do anything for you. You, dear reader, are about to be in position of what the previously moany cunt will be saying before kick off about the signings Neil Lennon and (Insert favorite either derogatory or passive aggressive nickname about) Peter Lawwell have made so far (though the Tim-ernet is a buzz about the possibility of bringing Craig Bellamy back to Celtic if Aiden McGeady ships off to Russia, despite Bellamy have been “nearly signed” by both Tottenham AND Fulham by the shit rags). You will be immune to his moany-ness and we will work on a response that will finally shut this cunt up.
Charlie Mulgrew: Alright, let’s ease into this. No one, not even the most positive of Celtic rubber duckie and toaster buying to the moaniest of all moany cunts could argue that Chuck’s had a slow start to his return trip to Celtic Park. Given the trouble we’ve had at the left back spot in recent history (honest to god, while working on Wednesday, a buddy texted me updates during the game and said we looked like we missed Lee Naylor…. *shudders*), it is a lock that your local moany cunt will belly-ache about Mulgrew. “Fuckin’ shit! Nae was Sellic class, Lenny must gie us another fullback,” he’ll say. Nod in agreement, after all, how can you argue that. One might think that agreeing with the moany cunt when he makes a rare relevant point might appease him to silence. This, unfortunately, is incorrect. He will be buoyed into thinking he’s got the football mind of Sir Alex Ferguson without being a red-faced prick. It is recommended you pretend to excuse yourself for a drink and not return to that spot. If not, it’s likely he will move onto talking about…
Joe Ledley: “Fuckin Welsh! Did ye know he was linked wie the fuckin’ Huns in May? Must be pure fuckin pish!” Uh oh, he’s starting into the nonsensical rants. Is there any bit of football knowledge in there besides the fact that Mr. Ledley is in fact Welsh and was a moonbeam with the Huns? “We beat out some Championship teams and lower EPL teams for him! How good can he be?” Now, this is where you might get some different characteristics from your local moany cunt. Some are under the impression that Celtic, is in fact, Real Madrid. Not all are these moaners are this diluted. However, some are very put off by the fact that Celtic were not in for Fabregas and Joe Cole this summer. Now, if these complaints are being heard about Ledley, a pretty solid midfielder who’s had a decent run of it in the preseason, then he most certainly will have complaints about…
Cha Du-Ri: “Fuckin’ Liewell tryin’ tae exploit the Asian market by buying another pish player from Asia.” When this line comes out, don’t bother mentioning Shunsuke Nakamura, one of the best Celtic players in recent history, as Du Wei, Zheng Zhi, and Koki Mizuno will be brought out like old stale chips at a boring party. Mentioning the fact that Cha was in the South Korean National Team that advanced to the knockout stages of the World Cup is likely a better strategy to shut this guy up. While he might concede the possibility that Cha has a speck of footballing talent, if he is under the age of 35 or is one of those diluted older people who have a facebook, he is surely going to mention this picture :
“Shurley must be a poof…” Just sip your beer and turn your gaze to the pregame at this point so you don’t have to hear him talk about…
Efrain Juarez: Another international not from Europe, so he clearly cannot be any good in the mind of the moany cunt. “Never heard of the lad,” he will say in a dismissive way. “Was a good goal last Wednesday, though he was offside. Plus we don’t need another fuckin’ midfielder.” He will then, of course, go on to talk about how pish Scott Brown is, missing the irony of further beating up on his favorite Celtic whipping bhoy while dismissing the possible replacement for him when some team is dumb enough to buy Scott Brown.
Daryl Murphy and Gary Hooper: “Pish strike frequency!” was his cry! While the moany cunt has a point about Murphy, having never seen him play for the Hoops, the moany cunt will fall back on his favorite maneuver, dismissing a player early and championing him as a savior if he performs slightly above average (see Samaras, Georgios; Riordan, Derek; O’Dea, Darren). When you remind him that Hooper scored once every two games before making the move to Celtic, he’ll fall back on the tried and true “Aye, but it was in the Championship, plus he’s like Scott McDonald.” Any striker has an uphill battle from the start with the moany Celtic cunt if his name does not rhyme with “Penrik Carrson”. “He’s nae Henrik!” Well no fucking shit. Are you really surprised that one of the best strikers ever will not be replicated with every player?
I hope these steps have been beneficial in your dealings with your local moany cunt. It’s been a long off-season and he’ll have a lot to get off his chest. Stay calm, take a deep breath, and don’t fall to his level by arguing with emotion and hyperbole. Try to remain rationale. If this season is like last season, it could be a roller coaster ride, so no need to get your blood pressure high after week one. C’mon the fucking Hoops.