England
Timurovision Rating: 0
I once followed Wayne Rooney & Alan Stubbs down the stairs of the Broomloan (I wasn’t following them, I was going for a pee), the treatment of Alan Thompson and the overlooking of Chris Sutton, off all his own doing, for Emile Heskey and my locality and my nationality mean that we want England to fail.
Call it narrowminded, or xenophobia if you wish but I will always class it as harmless rivalry.
Flippant View that will lose me money:
The FA woke up one morning and came to their senses. They ignored the clamour for the peoples choice and took away the chance of much amusement. I really wanted to see ‘Arry treating the Euro’s as a beano to Margate with Lamps, John & Wazza. Witness his famed tactical modus operandi of telling his players to: “Run about a bit” (this would reach the part of Stevie G’s brain that works) and him recalling Crouchy.
But…instead they appoint a perfect fit to ensure that England take their place as defeated quarter finalists. Problem they have is if they go a goal behind then Woy will need to change his smoother then break formation. Expect loads of 1-0’s.
Ukraine
Timurovision Rating: 1
Our reign as European Champions ended in controversy in the very Olympic Stadium that this years final will be played. A dodgy sending off (Bobby Murdoch) and a goal wrongly chopped off saw us fall in the first round. I bet you if the internet was around then people would have been calling for Big Jocks head.
We did play Kiev in the previous seasons Cup Winners Cup – beating them 4-1 on aggregate – but the game was held in Tbilisi due to the weather. Most recently we faced them in the Big Cup in 1986. A game mired in controversy (again) due to the team having to travel to play a game only 60 miles from Chernobyl.
We lost 4-2 on aggregate to what is considered the best Kiev side ever (lead by Oleg Blokin current Ukraine manager) and Derek Whyte is said to have developed his passion for sunbeds after this trip.
Flippant View that will lose me money:
This being built as Andriy Shevchenko’s swansong. The once most feared striker in Europe is going to be used as that aging lion in the circus who get’s brought out to do slightly less exuberant tricks only because it’s face is on the poster. The Ukrainians will find goals hard to come by and they are going to turn to ex Liverpool forward Andriy Voronin to solve this.
So, a striker that is a 125 years old and another striker that looks like he drives a capri, with tiger seat covers and listens to Def Leppard on repeat on cassette. Home advantage will need to produce miracles.
France
Timurovision Rating: 4
They get a 4 mainly due to Stephane Bonnes being so anonymous that we can say with some conviction that he was the original Hoopy and no-one can question our certainty. Plus add the molotov cocktail that was Stephane Mahe who looked like Frank Ribery’s uncle.
Circa 1985 I attended Celtic Park with a Platini France top on. This annoyed some of the fresh faced Pringle, Stan Smith wearing casuals who mooched around the R*ngers end at that time trying not to get noticed by bigger boys.
When asked why I was wearing the top I said Platini was the best player in the world and I would wear what I want (I was 9). At this point my Faither LoTW appeared and some other grizzled beared Tennant Special charged scarfers. The casuals got a slap from one of them (not Faither) and I got to keep the top.
Flippant View that will lose me money:
Les Blues are the form team. 20 games undefeated as Laurent Blanc’s salvage operating has reached such heights that they are now seen as a decent value for money outsiders to win the bloody thing. They have beaten Brazil, England and Germany in friendlies recently.
Out the group no problem then if they resist the urge to self destruct could do so some damage. I have backed Ribery to be their top scorer at 9/1 but watch for the new golden boy of French football Oliver Grouid who was linked with us two seasons ago.
Sweden
Timurovision Rating: 7
The list of Swedes that have played for the Hoops is a whose who of Blaglut legends. They have been our adopted 2nd nation in tournaments that we never qualify for. This will still be the case this summer with Mikael Lustig first choice right back for them and in a group containing England.
Flippant View that will lose me money:
The Swedes scored 33 goals in qualifying and were only behind the Germans (34) & the Dutch (37). They were the highest placed runners up and qualified automatically, which is mightily impressive.
If England hadn’t appointed Woy, I would have fully expected them to continue their impressive competition record over England going and qualify but…not now. Elmander to be their top scorer is what I’m punting.
Prediction Time
Ukraine the whipping boys who may just retain some national pride by getting something from England in their last game causing England to finish third in the group. Wishful thinking that. France, England, Sweden, Ukraine.
Thanks to the Celticwiki for the memory jogs.