That was as enjoyable as eating a grizzled steak bake.
The biggest disaster to befall agricultural land since that plane fell on Emmerdale. How did it happen? Well let’s find out….
Celtic returned from the international break with a stronger line up than we had before. Two weeks of Zumba at Lennoxtown done the trick.
Forster, Lustig, Mulgrew, Wilson, Izzy, Forrest, Brown, Wanyama, Commons, Hooper and new Bhoy Miku all made the starting 11 favoured on the day by our leader. The bench saw, Zulaska, Lassad, Rogne, Ibrahim, Watt, McGregor and Fraser top upped their tans in the Perthshire autumn sun.
We were in black and Saints in blue. Never was a truer sign of what colour the ball was going to be. Saints resembled a BB team in 1980’s Fine Fare kits. Their fans resembled coloured plastic seats. Is it still lambing season?
We kicked off and as is only fair we gave the ball straight back to the home side after Lustig hoofed it as hard as he could down field. It was as good as it got really and a feature of the day.
“Hey Miku your so fine, your so fine you blow my mind, hey Miku, hey Miku” spent 58 minutes looking upwards and getting a sore neck. I wish I could put my arm round him and say that we do play football at times and it will get better but domestically we haven’t and I’m not one for lying.
Brown bustled, hustled and tumbled in the box. We worked it well and Hooper passed to Commons who stroked the cat in the hat. Four minutes in and a goal up. BRING ON BENFICA! This was going to be a cakewalk….we were going to be cocks of the strut.
Easy enough that Hooper ripped his socks and darned the hole off the pitch. They weren’t causing trouble….but then they did.
They were agricultural. They fancied bits of our shins. We fancied bits of their shins also. Free kicks were given when the ball spent long enough on the ground. Izzy fouled Peter a lot but never fouled a Paul. Aberdeen must be championship material if they let Peter go.
Mulgrew wrestled with Tade. Wilson wrestled with Tade. Macho Randy Savage wrestled with Tade all with the same outcome. Foul to Saints. Not even an attempted fall or submission. Straight free kick. Forster saved from one. Tipped a rasper across the bar. He didn’t keep the Tadinator out soon afterwards.
Mulgrew and Izzy were caught with their pants down. Tade scored. A finish that belied his ability. Stop the world I’m getting off where Izzy is concerned. I’ll get back on when he finds his form again or I will be texting Michael Gray.
Euan Norris continued his want of giving free kicks that aren’t free kicks and not awarding stonewall penalties. The mans view is so warped Jeremy Clarkson is his god.
The Celtic bench kept on shouting Mika, Mika. Wikipedia tells me he has a new album out next month. Did the Celtic bench have a copy of it? No one on the park seemed to be responding to the cries.
The first half grinded to a halt. All perspiration over performance. Any passing watchers turned over not to return. Me? I wasn’t so lucky.
Second half started with Norris giving free kicks from another dimension. The ball was in the air so long that it needed it’s passport. Kelvin Wilson realised that letting Tade had the ball was the way to nullify his annoyingness.
Brown had a run and twirl. Did it jolt us into life? Nah, more mundane mumping and humping. We sometimes threatened to look interested. They are just big tease.
Commons shot over, Commons caused a stramash in the box….Commons did most things that were good. The ball was out so often that Steve Lomas touched it more often than James Forrest and Victor Wanyama put together.
Fraser Foster wanted to have a game of long shootie with his opposite number. When football broke out we looked the better side. It’s just a pity that it doesn’t break out very often.
Then the unthinkable happened. Lustig let a Rowan Vine curl into the top corner. The player then had a celebration that gave the impression that he had smelly armpits. We were the only ones that were smelly. We stunk the place out.
Watt had a header then broke through on goal in injury time. He hit the goalie and justice was done. If we had got anything from that game then the players would have believed that they could get away with that attitude.
It was an attitude that was summed up when Commons fired a shot from 40 yards. It was a shot aimed to land in Dundee. It did.
I was hard on those boo boys the last time out. This time the support had the life sucked out of them so much that booing wasn’t an option but hopefully surviving death was.
While we have done so many things right this season our domestic form is so wrong.
It’s all about stinking attitude.
To Benfica and we all know the attitude will be right. That’s not right but it’s life as we know it!
Godspeed you stinking hupes…