He’s Here, He’s There, He’s Izaguirre

The post match review of Celtic v Kilmarnock welcomes back a feature that has seen grown men cry at the madness or stupidity of it all. Yes, the player ratings return. How did the United Colours Of Lennytown do in the shakedown?

Not well.

I was past a note this morning from a wise old sage. It had written on it: “We would have lost that game last season“. He has been passing that note for years. It’s now pee stained, crumpled and looks like George Michael has been using it to clean his cell.

So, this game won’t be purred over by purists. No late night discussions, fuelled by alcoholic tipples, remembering passages of play. The game was so tedious that discussing the merits of Flo-Rida long into the night seems more appealing.

Strange as both teams have gained merit badges in playing the right way. Both managers are happy with their lot. Lenny was thrilled with “the character” showed as we suffered the first setback of the season. Paatelainen, who looks like a baby hippo that has lost it’s mother, claimed it was a “bright performance“.

It’s no argument that Kilmarnock are now better looking than at anytime in the last 10 seasons. The stench is still there and will always be there as long as beasties such as Wright and Hammill are playing for them. They contributed to the bore by having one tactic. Drop deep and give the ball to Eremenko. They will finish comfortably the best of the bottom six.

Craig Thomson has a new haircut. Didn’t change his performance levels. Gave one penalty and missed another. Stopped play building up any sort of steam with any niggle being punished. Missed Juarez; diving but saw fit to book the Kilmarnock player to hide his embarrassment.

I’m sure the Celtic players were happy with the win bonus. Though, if payments were made on performance levels then some, ok most, would be facing unhappy partners, both female or life.

Emillo Izaguirre can be satisfied with his first few weeks. The worry is that the little Honduran is going through something of a Cha Du Ri bounce, which will see all his good work disappear when we realise though blessed with pace he can’t defend.

Going forward he has a wingers eye for space between defenders and a high work-rate. I’m off to Lidils to get a 25 gallon drum full of hair-gel for him and Kayal to share. We don’t want any of them to get upset at the lack of hair products available.

On the other side of the coin, Glenda suffered from the Sammy’s Curse. The curse that after you talk yourself up in the press you then prove that you really are a donkey. His drunk Uncle at a BBQ impression for Kilmarnocks goal makes his claim that he is “lucky to still be here” very true.

You would have hoped the presence of the now titanium boned Thomas Rogne, Version 2.0, sitting on the bench would have scared him into a performance.

The rest, well let’s see what the ratings bring.

Fraser, an easy 5. Cha Du Ri, a competent fade from prominence, 4. Danny, TACKLE, 5. Glenda, a Tel Aviv-tastic, 0. Lizzie McGuire takes the plaudits with an 8.

Porcelain Paddy, had the look of a man that doesn’t wear the tag Cult Hero very well, 1. Kayal, despite looking as if he should be washing hair for Vidal Sasson, 6. Ledley, knows his job, 5. Brown, hello? Anyone in?, 2. Ki, I take it the game was being showed in South Korea, 3. Juarez, collapsed with exhaustion in the 2nd half, need to cut that out, 1.

Maloney, splurts, 4. Murphy, you deserve a Jeremy Kyle show all to yourself, 2. Stokes, why the tongue?, 6.

MOTM: Lizzy McGuire.

Want to star alongside Pam in a short feature film?