Romanovelty club, Hearts slaughtering!

There was once a famous quote by one of our modern day ‘philosophers’, it is so memorable that to this day it is still sung,  projected at high volumes by every drunkard who thinks he can sing after one pint too many.

“Shot through the heart, and your to blame. You give love a bad name”.

Shot through the heart

Shot through the heart indeed, well any team with Jim Jefferies in charge is destined for anywhere below 4th place and as for romancing in the top 3 positions they have a better chance buying the karma sutra to find one that better suits them, and knowing hearts, it would be probably something with the rectum involved. This would ultimately lead to a new club slogan, possibly something along the lines of “Stick that up your ?kio bankas”.

To be honest Bon Jovi’s lawyers are probably working on a case right now for even mentioning them in the same breath as Heart of Midlothian and Jim Jefferies. In advance a message to Bon Jovis legal team, I sincerely did not mean any harm to your superb worldwide persona and only used your illustrious well known tune in context for a poppy, sorry I meant pop at Hearts.

…and your to blame

Well we could all point fingers at our opponents flaws but there is one piece of evidence that shocking leverages the finger pointing in one direction. The actions of Mr Romanov. The thing what makes me laugh most is the fact that Hearts where not Vladimirs first port of call, his contingent made approaches to Dundee United, Dundee and Dunfermline firstly before opting for the Jambos, seems even then he had doubts over the club.

The man with the master plan some Hearts fans said to me, we will be hitting you and the gers for six very soon they said. Well you kind of did well for a minor amount of time, eventually Craig Gordon went off to the north east of England and Hartley and Elvis buggering off to a bigger club, ah hem*The Bhoys* ah hem, you gave away your best assets and the spine of your new wave revolutionary team. Notice I do not mention serial drugger, sorry I meant slugger Roman Bednar, he was always a poor mans Mark Viduka, when I say poor man I meant destitute and living on a human soiled rolled up piece of old carpet in an alley kind of poor man.

Well the novelty has seem to have wore off now, you had your financial peak and SPL peak with a top two finish but now Mr Romanov and his magical bank pin code tapping finger seems tired with his what was once his favourite pet and now Jambos all you are to him is a mangy alley cat with 3 legs and 1 eye that he will eventually put down by throwing you inbetween a pair of  ‘neds’ pitbulls (Probably called Sultan and Spike, and thats just the owners names) fighting.

I would usually feel sorry for a club in this position but I can’t stand Hearts, not as much as the gers but they come a close second.

You give love a bad name

Love suggests some form of a heart is involved? The only heart in tynecastle on a match day is on the club badge because the rest of the reprobates on the pitch and off it are mearly a bunch of zombie like drones that go and watch the jam tarts so they can get their weekly dose of mind numbingly boring methodone form of football with king boredom Jefferies sluggishly looking like penfold from dangermouse having a stroke on the sidelines. Here are some facts and my opinions on Hearts (facts from a bbc blog and other football sources): –

Fact – Hearts were formed in Edinburgh in 1874 and were named after the ‘Heart of Midlothian’ dance hall.

My opinion – Ironically they still dance about. Yes, like headless chickens, thus being named after a dancehall suits them especially when they are took on a merry dance by most teams in the SPL and Mr Romanov.

Fact – Hearts have had a major effect on the rules of football as we know it. In fact it was down to the mighty (Sorry but I had to laugh at this point, mighty hahaha, and include this minor bracketed edit of the quote) Jambos that the rules of the penalty kick are as we know them today. Jimmy Adams, a full-back for Hearts, saved a certain goal by punching the ball off the line. The referee had to award a free kick to East Stirling, since the penalty hadn’t been introduced, which they missed due to the fact that Hearts had 11 players on the goal line. Hearts went on to win the tie 3-1. The introduction of the penalty came about in 1891/92 after East Stirling protested and a similar incident occurred between Notts County and Stoke in 1891.

My opinion – Hearts player handballing, does not surprise me in the slightest, the irony is Mr Romanov owns a basketball team back in lithuania, maybe he will introduce them to the starting line-up next?

Fact – Vladimir Romanov’s concerns with the fairness of refereeing developed during this period. This started after Hearts made complaints after a match with Rangers in the 2004–05 season during which the referee Hugh Dallas controversially awarded a decisive penalty kick late in the match on the basis of advice from his linesman Andy Davis. There were also complaints after the dismissals of Craig Gordon against Falkirk, Edgaras Jankauskas against Hibs and Saulius Mikoliunas against Rangers. Romanov called for a replay of each of these matches, but this was refused and Romanov was rebuked by the SFA.

My opinion – With the about fact in mind, Vlad seems quite an abhorrently paranoid individual with the SFA on speed dial. It would not surprise me that he has sacked employees in the past for making eye contact with him for lengthy periods of no more than a millisecond. If you get to read this Mr Paranoia-ov they are watching you, ooooooooooo. At this point Im guessing you are peering over your shoulder Vlad? Or calling the SFA for another match replay request from a fixture 5 years ago?

…and finally

Here is what to expect from the Jambos.

Their Last 3 results went like this (Thanks to the BBC sport folks for the stats): –

Saturday, 23 October 2010 SPL
Hearts 3 – 0 St Mirren

Sunday, 31 October 2010 SPL
Hearts 0 – 3 Kilmarnock

Sunday, 7 November 2010 SPL
Hibernian 0 – 2 Hearts

Two wins and one loss is not great form but with ‘Templetons wonder goal’ still fresh in the memory, maybe Hearts will have extra confidence.

So who do we have to watch out for?

Kyle, Elliot, Skacel and Templeton are the four we need to focus down on. I think we have the requirements needed to staple their 4 ‘stars’ down defensively.

I expect an away win but not as comfortable as the win against Aberdeen. I would grasp a 1-0 win right now or anything better as Hearts will have a go at us but with Stokesy and Hoopy on superlative form we cannot state that we lack a goalscoring threat and with Sammy biting at the bit for a game our new strike partnership needs to keep scoring and put that wee ba$$a, sorry I meant un-policechecked school / ibrox fox in the boxroom janitor top of the goalscoring charts under some intense pressure.

I now throw my arms wide and let the opinions run loose?

Any predictions?

Will we find it hard to break Hearts down at home?

Is a draw on the cards?

Will Vladimirs team fall at the old firm hurdle again?

Please comment as you wish?