That Was The Week That Was #6: I Once Went To Madame Tussauds Edition.

Monday 24th September 2012

I was pointed in the direction of Sevco CEO (again) this Monday. Seemingly he has been selling his dream of Sevco being a 2nd division team to all North America. During one such jamboree he said:

“ Fingers crossed we will sign with adidas this week. They said to me we’ve lost Liverpool and Real Madrid, Rangers will be the biggest club we have.”

This muppet would put you off your chips and curry sauce. Did he also tell the Canadians that they were Americans? A visit from Charles Green must be as welcome as your daughter bringing home her maths teacher.

Is anyone still actually buying his rubbish? If so, I have seen smarter road kill.

“Rangers will be the biggest club we have.” REALLY? I quick Google check (which I presume hasn’t reached North America yet) shows Bayern Munich, AC Milan and Chelsea as part of the Addidas stable. It also tells me that Real Madrid are signed until 2016.

Yes, 2016 Charlie. A club so vast that see when Jose Mourinho slides on his god like knees to celebrate a winning goal the suit he had on would get donated to your football club as a charitable donation and you would be forced to wear it grass stained and sweaty you agonizing yorkshire whippet abuser.

Tuesday 25th September 2012

In preparation for our game against Raith Rovers our glorious leader has been talking about the mercurial form of Scott Brown and the need to protect our captain due to an ongoing hip problem. The manager murmured:

“We will try to base his programme around playing for us, obviously and making sure he is fit for Scotland as well. We don’t discourage players playing for their country. Obviously Celtic come first in my priorities but I know Scotland have two big games coming up next month and Scott will want to play in both of them. I just hope we can manage him to be able to play in them.”

Sorry, I was canceling my DD and filling out an indemnity form to reclaim all the money that I have given Celtic Football Club this season cause I for one don’t pay all that money so we make sure one of our best players is fit to be used by a man who still thinks Kenny Miller is a relevant mass, ignores the countries best striker after he highlighted to him that he is a bit of an ar$e and looks like he is living in a carboard box outside central station.

Scotland’s bid to reach the World Cup in Brazil (hilariously sloganed “The Roar To Rio”, which I hope was come up by a 5 year old child and not some Mumford & Son’s listening powder snorting 40 year old who wears red chinos marketing executive who earned a lot of money for it) is already in so much $hit that it looks like we have stood behind a whale with a bowl problem. The up coming games are already meaningless.

With this in mind I will personally kick Scott Brown to ensure he doesn’t meet up with a squad of knobcheese and losers.

Wednesday 26th September & Friday 27th September 2012

SPL leaders, Motherwell, were comprehensively beaten by third division strugglers Franchise FC who fielded a mixture of mercenaries, youngsters and gimps while the Motherwell players looked like they were on a Sunday School picnic and were agog at being allowed out so late.

Before the game Motherwell manager, Stuart McCall, talked about being best pals with Fat Sally, this was the draw he didn’t want and was distraught at the predicament his former club, now dead club, found themselves in. Afterwards he heaped praise on the fans, Lee McCulloch and said the best team won.

The last time I looked this tubby mulleted lesbionic drunken falling off car roofs Mrs Doubtfire after drinking brake fluid looking imposter was the manager of Motherwell who stood on the touchline wearing an ill fitting Cash Converter sweatshirt.

Not some spineless, gutless crusty butthole who instead of calling his team out for an embarrassing performance was being a cheerleader for a freak of nature created in the SFA petri dish that’s running around riding roughsod over the rules of the game and shoving a horses welk up any journalist that’s bending over and willing.

The fall out continued to the Friday when at his press conference ALL OF A SUDDEN his record against us was brought up in direct argument – and to get them fired up for the weekends game – to the charges that he is a cheat.

McCall commented that they “weren’t doing cartwheels” at the result and that “people who say those things don’t know me”. Derek Ferguson told us a wee story about how McColl used to kick folk in charity games.

Is the FACT that he wasn’t doing cartwheels meant to change my opinion? What did you do? A forward roll and a star jump? You also used to kick arthritis ridden old codgers in charity games? Is this meant to be sterling proof that your not a walking version of nappy rash?

I hope your first Lesbian affair is with Justin Lee Collins.

Thursday 27th September 2012

The prospect of the first ever game between us and Franchise FC has got everyone giddy like some 15 year old school girls drinking Barcadi Breezers and looking at willies. The draw is not to next week but all us sensible folk are hoping we are not drawn against them.

Our manager was drawn in and said that the prospect of an “O*d Firm” tie was exciting.

Neil, Neil, Neil……why, oh, why do you give the notion that the O*d Firm is still alive?

You have just breathed life into the lie that they are the same club and not some Zombiefied version of a diseased dead club that was b*ggered to death and no one wanted to save. I understand why you said this. It can’t be nice getting nails and bombs sent to you.

But, if you are having any doubts, I once went to Madam Tussauds but I don’t walk around claiming to have meet Kylie Minogue!

How was your week?