GUEST BLOG: AN EMBARRASSING OBSESSION

The concept of sarcasm does not sit easily alongside the permanently outraged, ‘knee-jerk’ brigade that populates this here internet. You know what though, I’m a daring young chap and I’m going to give it a go.

In case of any confusion, and in the spirit of educating as well as entertaining, here is a definition of sarcasm from the cultural dictionary, please bear it in mind whilst reading the next few lines of my piece.

“a form of irony in which apparent praise conceals another, scornful meaning”

My favourite thing about being a Celtic fan is when we all get together to talk about Rangers. I just love it when we obsess about the intricacies of their tax dealings, the complexities of their management structure and the legalities or otherwise of their business model. It is in no way embarrassing, it in no way demeans us as a club and we definitely don’t look either petty or small.

Just to eradicate any lingering doubt that was that sarcasm we discussed earlier.

When our great rivals finally gasped their last breath after an undignified and drawn out demise, we rejoiced. Finally we were to be freed from the hated ‘Old Firm’ tag; it, along with ‘guilt by association’ was to be confined to the history books. The death of our enemy was supposed to herald our own re-birth.

In theory that all makes a whole lot of sense, but a bit like communism the practicalities are often a bit trickier to work out. You see despite the fact that Rangers are so far below us in the league structure that they are nigh on invisible, there is still a sizeable element of our support who are quite simply obsessed with them. And when I say obsessed I mean that in a “restraining order” kinda way.

I once knew a couple where the girl was quite simply stunning, the guy was an utter walloper, they split up and he turned from a walloper into an all out prick (and put on a whack of weight), thing is though she never ever got over him and it completely ruined her (incidentally I ran into her the other day and she’s not as hot as I remembered). Look, it’s painfully clear I’m losing focus here so I’d better return to my point. Rangers are fat and ugly, we’re better than them, we’re out their league (literally) and it’s about time we got over those unfaithful bastards and got on with our lives.

When Rangers died we were told by all and sundry that Celtic could not live without them, we were indignant, and rightly so. Supporters and shareholders came together as one to proclaim that we’d be just fine on our own thanks, in fact we we’re quite looking forward to them pissing off and leaving us alone, one thing for sure we wouldn’t miss them, and we definitely didn’t care about them.

These sentiments put a spring in my step and a smile on my face. Without Rangers to get all worked up about we could grow as a club and grow as supporters.

Thing is though it hasn’t really worked out that way (in terms of the support anyway), in fact there are a few of you out there (you know who you are) who spend more time worrying about them now than ever before. I spend more of my pathetic little existence than I really should pissing about on twitter, and the amount of Celtic focussed accounts on that angry little corner of the internet whose output is almost exclusively Rangers related is ridiculous. In fact it’s a little embarrassing. To say you don’t care about Rangers is all very well and good, to then spend quite a staggering amount of your time and energy pouring over their every move kind of renders that statement moot.

This addiction to all things Royal Blue must come to an end; it makes us look like a petty, incestuous bunch of malcontents, more interested in battling with the neighbours than winning the actual war.

There is much for us Celtic fans to discuss, the emergence of a talented, vibrant and youthful side is to be celebrated, the unforgivable levels of complacency seeping into domestic performances should be investigated. Rangers and the rest of SFL3 don’t warrant a mention.

When they re-appear in the top-flight (and they will, soon) then we can renew old hostilities. Until then however getting all worked up about them makes us look pathetic. Like the girl who couldn’t get over the guy who was never worth it in the first place.

Oh by the way, yes I appreciate the irony in writing an article focussing on Rangers whilst moaning about the amount of articles focussing on Rangers. In my defence however, I’ve not even seen them play this year and genuinely couldn’t tell you who plays in goal for them.

And yes I did fancy that girl I mentioned earlier, I don’t now though, she lost her allure after getting all obsessed over a guy who was always a fucking dickhead, and never good enough for her.

Find me on twitter https://twitter.com/allymonc

And if you’re really keen check out my blog http://ballsboobsandblow.wordpress.com/