Guest contributor Prince Trollface draws comparison between Celtic’s last 16 opponents and famed console game StreetFighter 2. It makes sense when you read it.
Celtic’s journey in the Champions League has been a lot like playing as Dhalism in StreetFighter 2. Picking off E.Honda and Blanka (HJK and Helsingborgs) was fairly routine. As we regularly defied the odds, we found harder opponents stood in our way. Many experts at ITV Football thought we’d be pumped out with ease, but last night, the progression to the last sixteen of Europe’s second biggest competition (It’s nae Premiership!) was confirmed after a 2-1 win against Zangief ! Now, we find ourselves up against the Sub-Bosses before a showdown with M.Bison
On December the 20th, the draw will be made for the Knockout stages of the Champions League. Here is a run-down of who we can find ourselves drawn against :
1. Paris Saint Germain.
* Have we played them before ?
Yes. In the 1995 Cup Winners Cup. A fairly matched encounter in the first leg in Paris, where Pierre Van Hooijdonk blamed the floodlights for missing an open goal, ended in a 1-0 win for the French side with Youri Djourkeff netting the winner. The return leg was a doing. A real lesson in the standard Celtic had to aspire to. Patrice Loko, who would be the benchmark for the Regen’s hairstyle in the Football Manager series, notched a double and terrorised John Hughes and Rudi Vata. No Merci was shown.
* Who’s their dangerman ?
Without a doubt, that guy who’s overrated and never does it in big games – Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Although your man Lavezzi has been in superb form in the Champions League as well, and far more prolific.
* How did they top their group ?Â
With ease and boasting a 100% home record. They lost once, away to FC Porto who also qualified from the group, but dispatched Dinamo Kiev and Zagreb away. For a team who spent £111m in the summer on transfers, it was the bare minimum that they qualified emphatically. The pressure will be on Carlo Ancelotti to succeed.
* If they were in StreetFighter 2, who would they be ?Â
Ken Masters. Arrogant, cocky, likes to throw about money like Ted Dibiase, but missing something Ryu had in adundance – A will to win. Ken was always the bridesmaid. He would rather go on a cruise with a model for a week than better himself like Ryu did. And we all know who was the best fighter. And it wasn’t Ken. PSG may be the same.
2. Schalke 04.
* Have we played them before ?Â
Nein.
* Who’s their dangerman ?Â
Many would say their attacking outlet of Jefferson Farfan, Ibrahaim Affellay or Klaas Jan Huntelaar, but for me, Lewis Holtby is their main man. 22 (stone) with a playing style similar to Bastian Schweinsteiger, Holtby has went from strength to strength and his loan spell with Mainz last season seems to have benefited him. He’s always the stand-out player on the ITV4 highlights anyway. I won’t kid on I watch 90 minute games every week in the Bundesliga.
*How did they top their group ?Â
Impressively. Many assumed Arsenal would walk that group, but Schalke gubbed them at the Library and drew with them at home. Six games, twelve points and no losses. Well deserved.
*Â If they were in StreetFighter 2, who would they be ?Â
Balrog. When it comes down to the sub-bosses, many gamers give it the “Sagat and Vega are tough. We’ll need to make sure our hooks are solid!” patter. People forget the fact that Balrog was hard as fuck. With a right fist as solid as Chris Brown’s, with tombstone teeth to match, there was every possibility that you’d come away looking like a dropped Noodle & Gravy supper near a stank. Schalke seem to be the people’s choice for a qualifyable tie, but I reckon they would up their game more so at this stage and people are doing them a dis-service. Could be good patter over there though, and the Vetlins Arena is hardly the gutter-level when it comes to stages for a battle.
3. Malaga CF
* Have we played them before ?Â
No.
* Who’s their danger-man ?Â
Francisco Roman Suarez. Or Isco as he’s commonly known, has taken the Champions League by storm this season. At only 20 years old, you’ll be hearing lots more about him in the future.
* How did they top their group ?Â
Again, by  finishing unbeaten in a group with AC Milan, Zenit and Anderlecht. The poor form of the Russians may have been a surprise to many but Malaga took them apart in their opening match by three goals to nil and never looked back. Under Pellegrini, they look a very dynamic outfit and they could very well be the tournaments dark horses.
*Â If they were in StreetFighter 2, who would they be ?Â
Fei Long. Quick, direct and deadly. Like Malaga, your seasoned veterans of the knock ’em out genre expected their big heavyweights to roll over a frail looking and untested opponent. And found themselves smashing up their NES controller in the same manner Fei Long was smashing up their characters faces with roundhouses and elbow hits. Malaga are more than entitled to mix it with the big guns as much as anyone else.
4. Borussia Dortmund
* Have we played them before ?Â
Yes, twice. In 1987/88 and 1992/1993, with the Germans winning both ties on aggregate.
*Who’s their danger-man ?Â
Have you got all day ? Dortmund are blessed with exceptional talent in abundance. From Neven Subotic to Robert Lewandowski, they are filled with so many top class players from defence to attack. Their star man, IMO, is their summer signing from Monchengladbach, Marco Reus. Already well known to many football fans, Reus has been a revelation for Dortmund. If he’s not scoring, he’s assisting. If he’s not assisting, he’s probably likely to later on. Rolls Reus !
* How did they top their group ?Â
Once more – unbeaten. In the so called ‘group of death’, Dortmund made light work of Ajax and Manchester City, while beating Real Madrid at home and gaining a superb point in the Bernabeau. For a team who disappointed massively in last seasons competition, Dortmund, unlike Man City, Â learned from their mistakes and seemed to have matured into one of the best sides in Europe.
*Â If they were in StreetFighter 2, who would they be ?Â
Vega. Lightening, ruthless and equipped with blades. Think about it. But physically challenged. You could be playing with E.Honda at the Spanish cage Vega pranced about in. Tight, compact, packed to the rafters with the audience on top of you. That’s like Signal Iduna Park! Anyway, the point I’m making is you could sometimes get a fly victory with big fat Honda. Due to overpowering Vega. He doesn’t like it up him! Neither do Dortmund. I watched their 1-1 draw with Bayern and they lost a lot in the air. Gotze and Reus backed out of many 50/50’s with Martinez and Kroos. Of course, they can get by without possessing the one attribute that Stoke City base their gameplan on. Definetely one of the favourites.
5. Juventus
* Have we played them before ?Â
Excuse me while I find a picture of Nicola Amoroso and set fire to it, rip it up, chew it and spit it out on the window towards some forlorn figure on this cold and wet night in Glasgow. Yes. Yes we have played them. In the 80’s apparently. And also in 2001. Juventus led a Celtic 2-0 until Petrov and Larsson hauled us back into the game. Even with Robert Douglas in goals for us, we were doing alright and holding on for a draw. Until a disgusting greaseball whose name I will not say twice executed the most blatant and pathetic dive you will ever see after no contact from Joos Valgaeren. The ref stupidly pointed to the spot and to rub salt into our oppressed wound, the same scumbag who earned the penalty scored with the last kick of the ball to give them a 3-2 win. The return game at Celtic Park ended in a 4-3 win for Celtic but we crashed out. Had we drawn in the Stadio Delle Alpi, we’d have went through. PERSONAL.
* Who’s their danger-man ?Â
Any team who can afford to loan out Filipe Melo must be alright. And Juventus have came a long way in the past few  seasons since their return from Serie B. Ignoring the fact they have Nicklas Bendtner , Juventus are a very capable side. It’s hard to make Andrea Pirlo look ordinary, but that’s exactly what Claudio Marchiso does. Easily one of the most underrated midfielders in Europe – he’s got it all. If he played in THE PREM he’d no doubt be noticed more, but he’s fine at domestic and european level where he is just now.
* How did they top their group ?Â
By beating Shakhtar Donestsk away in matchday six, Juventus climbed to the top of their group, rounding off  some excellent displays in the competition, having deservedly drawn in London with Chelsea before gubbing them at home. Juve’s excellent home form is well documented and it will take a very big effort to get a result at Juventus Stadium.
*Â If they were in StreetFighter 2, who would they be ?Â
Very great parallels to Street Fighter. Just to be that guy. Dhalsim vs. Zangief is a match in favour for Dhalsim =P.
I would say Barcelona is more like Akuma, all the tools to shut down Dhalsim’s (Celtic’s) keep away game with superior attack options.