GUEST BLOG: A GUIDE TO BEING A CELTIC FAN ONLINE

A guide to being a Celtic fan on the internet

Being a football fan used to be the easiest of undertakings, where possible you went to the game, you maybe bought a replica shirt or at least a scarf in your sides colours, if you were really into it you followed your chosen side around the globe. Discussion of the relative merits or otherwise of those who represent your club was restricted to the ground itself or more likely the pub. You may not have agreed with the bloke standing next to you on, for example, the abilities/conduct of your manager, but that didn’t mean either of you weren’t a ‘proper fan’ you just had a difference of opinion that was all.

The internet and twitter in particular however have doomed those simpler times to extinction. To be a football fan on the internet you need to adhere to a strict etiquette, the breaching of which will open you up to quite frightening levels of abuse. I speak from experience here, I assure you. And it is my sincere belief that to survive as a Celtic fan on the internet the rules are even stricter still. What I have therefore decided to do, is to produce a quick point by point guide on the things you need to know and do to be a good ‘Internet Tim’, essentially how not to attract the ire of the masses. You can thank me in the comment section.

• Do not under any circumstances call that side we used to play against ‘Rangers’ they are to be referred to as ‘Sevco’, ‘Zombie FC’ or if you’re feeling really generous ‘The Rangers’.
• Do however take an unhealthy, borderline insane interest in the goings on of the side whose name I dare not mention. If you think you’re coming across as obsessed and a bit mental then that just means you’re on the right track my bhoy.
• The manager of that club whose name must go unsaid is not Ally McCoist nor is it Alistair McCoist, he is to be known forevermore as ‘Fat Sally’.
• Never read the actual content of any article about Celtic, read the headline, (over)react and then head straight to the comment section.
• Whilst in the comment section discard all previously accepted grammatical conventions.
• The #CelticFamily on twitter has a strict hierarchical structure; do not express an opinion that differs from those at the top of the tree. Doing so will result in a speedy excommunication.
• If you insist on linking to a Daily Record article you must prefix an apology and refuse to actually type out the full name of the paper i.e. ‘sorry for the Daily Re**rd link…..’
• If a blogger comes along whose work supports the narrative decreed by the #CelticFamily hierarchy then hang on his or her every word/tweet/blog post, ignore the first commandment and worship them as if they were a God.
• If you merely suspect everyone is against us then you are not nearly paranoid enough.
• There are a select band of clubs who it is acceptable for you to adopt as your second side; these include Barcelona, Norwich, Dundee United and Raith Rovers. Fans of these clubs may gain temporary admittance to the #CelticFamily, however those privileges will be withdrawn if they make a bid for our striker or are judged guilty (by the hierarchy) of some other crime.
• Every single person in the media (usually referred to as the ‘Main Stream Media’ – MSM) has an agenda against Celtic except for ‘wee’ Gordon Strachan (who we like again apparently (this may change now he’s Scotland boss)).
• Never ever admit any admiration you may have for Jose Mourinho, he is the devil incarnate and a mortal enemy of the #CelticBarcaFamily
• The Green Brigade are either a brave and selfless band of ‘freedom fighters’ who light up Celtic Park or a dangerous and self-absorbed mob with a lunatic fringe (this as a tricky one as it changes on a daily basis, be very careful before you express an opinion).
• Every player that pulls on ‘the hoops’ automatically discovers a lifelong, unbreakable bond with Celtic and everything the club stands for (except Kenny Miller obviously).
• Celtic fans are special and without doubt the best in the world, anyone who says otherwise is jealous and/or a hun.
• If anyone mentions the ‘Big Tax Case’ say something about an on-going appeal process and change the subject as quickly as possible.
• WE ARE STILL A BIG CLUB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There you go, if you follow (not follow follow mind) my advice, and take on board the knowledge I have imparted upon you today, then you will find the ‘timternet’ a happy and welcoming place. Fail to adhere to the etiquette set down however and well…… don’t say I didn’t warn you.

If you can think of any other tips for being a ‘top tim on the net’ then leave a comment or head on over to twitter https://twitter.com/allymonc where I’m sure the debate will be ‘lively’.