Over the last couple of days, the level of coverage being given out to the Goon Squad at Ibrox is remarkable.
Let me talk for a minute about John Brown.
There is probably not a less suitable candidate out there to make a Club Ambassador than the ranting lunatic who stood on the steps of Ibrox and demanded to see the deeds to the stadium. He was shambling, incoherent and foaming at the mouth that day … and the people who wound him up like a clockwork toy are the ones still holding his strings.
When one considers that Davie Hay and Tom Boyd represent the other end of the scale exactly – intelligent, well-spoken and with a professional cool to them that no-one at Ibrox has thus far been able to muster – the picture looks even worse.
Brown was mouthing to the press earlier this week after the botched Scottish Cup draw, about how this was the perfect time for Sevco to get Celtic in the cup.
He was making this statement, and apparently believed it, although his club isn’t yet in the next round, following an abject display at home against Kilmarnock.
Celtic hasn’t been playing well, and things around the club are a little fragmented right now, but could you imagine the reaction of everyone had we actually got Scottish football’s worst Tribute Band in the next round? Man, oh man.
Talk about unifying.
Talk about a shot in the arm.
Every player would have raised his game. The crowd would have roared the team on. The atmosphere would have been electric … and not because this was, as the media is fond of telling us, a “Celtic – Rangers match.”
It would have been to shut these mouthy sods up good and proper.
It would have been the best team in the country playing against arrogant pretenders, who continually behave like a mouthy guy in the pub who’s in dire need of a good slap.
Brown is such a monumental clown that it’s hard to take him seriously on any subject, but his talk about how Celtic need to “get ready” for the arrival of Sevco makes me giggle uncontrollably, like watching The Thick of It reruns.
Did we “get ready” for Hearts when they came up last year?
They’ve had a very good season back in the SPL, but we made no special preparations for them.
Who else should we “get ready” for? Hibs? Falkirk?
There’s a good case for the Easter Road club, as they look to me as if they’re well on their way back to the top flight, whether as champions or not.
Sevco aren’t a great side.
They’re not even a good side yet.
They are a Championship team, and for all we hear about how they have the second biggest wage budget in the country the club is still an absolute shambles, leaking money like an oil well in Cardiff.
But in one sense Brown is right, and there are things we can do to “get ready” for them, and in fact things that we must do if they are going to be in the SPL.
Let’s start with that facial recognition software the league wanted to bring in.
That way, we can make sure the likes of Chris Graham and Sandy Chugg don’t get into Celtic Park, as known undesirables and, anyway, as people who have long said they wouldn’t be attending games at the grounds of teams who “stabbed them in the back.”
I think shoving all their fans into a safe standing area is a good idea as well, as the sight of broken seats on a Monday morning isn’t one the Celtic ground staff should have to accept. So, let’s design one of those just for their visiting fans.
At the same time, if there’s a way of doing it I’d like to propose that we get the whole section enclosed in a sound-proof box.
Let them sing whatever the Hell they like; they can go through the whole repertoire and at the same time the rest of us won’t have to hear it.
Don’t Sky and BT Sport already do something similar?
They must, it seems to me, although if someone cuts a low fart amidst thousands of Celtic fans during the Remembrance Silence their microphones seem to pick it up.
We’ll also need to get our directors box ready for their intrepid leaders.
Who else thinks that a Maximum Security section, with bars and a handcuff rail, would work?
These are just preliminary ideas, you understand. If you have any thoughts of your own, feel free to add them in the comments.
All of this is to say that whilst I find John Brown to be mostly awful I find this particular suggestion to have some value.
If Sevco really are coming up then we need to prepare off the pitch.
On it will take care of itself, because as poor as we are right now, we’re better than that.