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A Guide To Sevco’s Big Champions League Nights

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There are a lot of Sevco fans who read this site avidly; I know that from the amount of Twitter abuse I get from them, and from those who comment on Facebook.

I find the nature of their comments hilarious most of the time; the word “obsessed” is used a lot.

On Celtic forums and posts.

In relation to articles on The CelticBlog.

Makes you think, right?

Anyway, whilst we’re enjoying the thrills, the highs, the lows and the money that comes with massive games against massive teams, they’ll be otherwise engaged.

With them no longer having even the revamped Irn Bru cup to look forward to their own midweek evenings will confront them with the option of watching us or not. They won’t do that; they tell you that all the time, although I do suspect they are absolutely full of it.

A lot of Celtic sites and newsgroups have already done, or will do, their own “Guide To Celtic’s Opponents”. We know Barcelona so well we could just recycle old articles about them! Any more draws against them and we should ask for the home dressing room. City are  probably the most written about team in the UK right now, and I thought another article on this group and the teams in it would just be a waste of time, and would be largely overlooked by our fans and totally ignored by theirs, and I like to offer them a little something if it keeps them coming back … so I’m going to do, just for them (as well as for my own and our amusement)  a Sevco Guide to Champions League Nights.

Their own “group” has already been drawn for them; I saw it on Twitter earlier.

So let’s look at the line-up and at the big names they’ve got to look forward to.

Emmerdale

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History:

They hail from the Yorkshire Dales and were once known as Emmerdale Farm. Because of this name change, some internet wags have suggested that there is some controversy over the “unbroken” nature of their history, but that can largely be set aside for a number of reasons; identical personnel behind the scenes, continuation of storylines, one location and recurring characters going all the way back, clearly linking one iteration and the other.

Also, there was no liquidation event and letters we’ve seen, sent from the BBC, confirm the link. It is a fact, and Sevco fans shouldn’t hope for echoes with their own continuity debate, which was largely settled by UEFA last month with a letter which basically said “they ur deed.”

Likely Line-Ups:

Their key players are spread across familial lines; The Sugden’s, the Tate’s and the Dingle’s are all prominent in most starting teams.

Sevco Connections:

None that I am familiar with, but their fans should feel a certain familiarity, and even kinship, with some of the main players, as several members of the Emmerdale team have had run ins with the law, and have even done time.

Injuries or otherwise missing:

Amongst those they probably won’t see is Kirin Kotecha, normally a star turn, who’s been missing since January, and on the run, after killing a team mate in a horrific car crash whilst driving drunk.

Celtic Connection:

Moira Dingle will probably not go down terribly well with them, as she’s also known as Natalie Robb, one of the most well-known celebrity Celtic fans.

Coronation Street

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History:

Another team with a long and chequered history, but none of the questions over continuity. They go all the way back to 1960, and have won a number of prestigious titles and awards in that time. They are regarded as one of the most successful, and longest running soap operas, surpassing even that of Neil Doncaster’s tenure at the SPL. Hailing from Manchester, they are the City of this line-up; there’s a strong local element about their setup, and everyone involved considers them a big fish.

Likely Line-Up:

Their regular squad is an ever-evolving thing, with top players coming and leaving as if through a revolving door. It’s difficult to know who you’ll get to watch on any given night, but amidst all the changes the forward line has remained a constant; Ken Barlow and Emily Bishop are the veteran players, with a combined age of over 120. They are still expected to get the best of a Sevco defence which includes the doddering, semi-senile and immobile Clint Hill.

Sevco Connections:

Not actually the sort of one they’d want. Back in 2008, a Coronation Street regular Tony Gordon (otherwise known as Gray O’Brien) came under fire for a famous moment when he criticised their former club, Rangers, on the air. “I could no more be interested in Rosie Webster than I could support Glasgow Rangers,” he quipped. A later episode was changed after their moronic fans complained when he was poised to say he was allergic to three things; “warm beer, the English national anthem and Glasgow Rangers.”

Injuries or otherwise missing:

How long you got? From murder victims to those who’ve left the country, there’s a line of top stars who, for one reason or another, won’t be featuring during the duration of this campaign. They include Kylie Platt (deceased, murdered) and Jason Grimshaw (fled after a family dispute too complicated to recount). The good news is that Sarah Platt is back in the first team after a period of absence, due to her being confined to a mental institution.

Celtic Connection:

Sadly for the Sevconites, there are loads of them, spread right through Coronation Street’s history; from regulars who’ve appeared in our charity matches, a trail of Celtic supporters amidst their ranks (including O’Brien himself) and even the occasional appearance of our famous club on the show.

The famous Hoops have been seen on-screen, and the word Celtic was once carved into the door of former first team regular Kevin Webster’s garage.

There’s also a fairly recent connection; former team member Heather Flanagan is dating our midfield sensation Scott Sinclair.

Eastenders

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History:

This London based team are the real draw; the Barcelona of this line-up, and although they are not as amusing to watch as that club they are sexier than their rival over in Manchester, they are a  far more glamorous and much more entertaining team. It’s no exaggeration to say that theirs is a formidable backstory and they have the trophy cabinet to prove it, with a record number of awards and gongs, and a collection of reputable names going back 31 years.

Likely Line-Up:

This is another ever-evolving first team squad, but one that is notable for being racially, culturally and ethnically diverse. It does, however, have four stalwarts, two hailing from the same family, the Beale’s, of whom Ian is the best known if not the best liked. His record number of appearances is shared with other current first team regular Dot Cotton.

Sevco Connection:

A couple of very slim ones.

First, their fans can feel some minor kinship with Ian Beale as he’s a former bankrupt who’s had some run-ins with HMRC and he’s also been used and abused by a variety of dodgy characters over time. Dot Cotton has also spent periods of time without being in the squad, like Niko Kranjcar at his former clubs, and she’s also known to be a grass. Like Lee Wallace. In fact, she would be perfect foil for their first team, with her advancing years, bad eyes and dodgy knees.

She recently signed a three year deal though, which means a transfer fee would probably be involved.

In addition to this, Eastenders’ current first team regular Danny Dyer has visited Ibrox when Rangers played there and interviewed some of their fans for a documentary, but that was partly about us so it might not actually count.

Injuries or otherwise missing:

Ooooft a lot. Like with the Coronation Street team, you could go on all day long. First team stalwart Peggy Mitchell has departed the scene recently, feet first, and a number of other regulars pop in and out like kids who stay next door to a sweetie shop.

Celtic Connection:

As with Coronation Street this one could go on and on and on. From former first team stars with Celtic in their hearts (most notably Martine McCutcheon, who you would never tire of watching parade around in the famous green and white) to the spell, a couple of years back now, when a backroom team member was slipping Celtic memorabilia into scenes, such as when Ian Beale’s café temporarily boasted a picture of the King of Kings in his Celtic top.

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Great British Bake Off

History:

This team is only six years old, making them just a wee bit older than Sevco itself, but they’ve got a glittering array of prizes which the Ibrox NewCo has been unable to get its hands on thus far. They are a team with a growing following however, and a highly effective social media presence, which lets fans get involved and, as is their ethos, even get into the team.

Likely Line-Up:
In keeping with that ethos, that changes every single year, with the 2016 first team squad only just being announced recently. The only real regulars we can count on are the management team of Mel Giedroyc, Sue Perkins, Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood.

Everything else is up for grabs at the start of a new campaign.

Previous top scorers include Edd Kimber, Joanne Wheatley and John Whaite.

Sevco Connection:

Eerrrrrrm … they both claim to be Great and British.

Sevco, of course, is not particularly great and actually Scottish, but those generalities are more or less in the eye of the beholder.

Injuries or otherwise missing:

They recently lost one member of the first team, but out of respect to those who’ve not watched the extended highlights I won’t give that away.

Celtic Connection:

None that I’m aware of, although this absolutely stupendous Huddle Cake is available to view on the Your Bakes section of the official website, by a Glasgow baker Gail Patterson.

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So what it comes down to is that whilst we’re enjoying the Champions League occasions, Sevco fans won’t  be left out.

There will be stuff on the other channels for them to watch, and as we’ve seen they have some exciting choices.

Naturally, this will be worth nothing to their club, but then television has never been ideally suited to the task of providing insight or entertainment for their fans. In fact, since the final episode of The Cook Report aired in 1998 there hasn’t really been a show on the small screen that could have done them justice.

Numerous films have similarly failed although some, such as The Boiler Room, have gone some way towards capturing the situation inside the Ibrox operation and TV shows like Still Game have been able to showcase some of their signings, although ironically, it took the Father Ted episode Escape From Victory before we actually saw them training at Murray Park.

All of this is to say that if they feel they really have to, the big nights involving Celtic will be there for them to watch if they’ve kept their BT Sport subscriptions going.

That aside, these are the delights that will await them, and keep them amused as we take part in the biggest football competition on the planet.

What a world.

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