File this under “You Honestly Couldn’t Make This Up.”
Today, The Daily Record has breathlessly reported that Paul Murray, of Sevco, will speak in February before the Institute Of Chartered Accountants conference to give them “The Inside Story of Sevco.” According to the paper, he will share with these people the secret of how the Ibrox board intends to get the club onto a paying, profitable basis.
Stop laughing. This is serious. Sort of.
I get the impression this has to be one of those fringe events which conference attendees go to only when they’ve not got enough money for the pub. At a meeting of Chartered Accountants you would imagine that to be very few, if any. Indeed, it might well be that Murray is taking the stage because he doesn’t have enough money for the pub … but nevertheless, I expect that this particular fringe event will be much better attended than most.
Amongst other things he can give them lectures on how to hide crucial information from shareholders. How to work with licensing agencies to present a rosy picture. How to handle the media. He can talk about shareholder relations, and how to build bridges between the board and those who want seats on it. He can talk about what it’s like to serve on a board under a man with hundreds of criminal fraud convictions, and to have appointed a perjurer to a senior club role.
Yes, there’s a lot he can offer.
But the real magic will come when he lays out the Sevco business plan. Because if he and King really do have a plan for turning around the Sevco Ship of Fools he is going to be the toast of the building, because that’s a task George Soros would struggle with.
There will undoubtedly be Celtic fans in that audience.
I can’t wait for their reports on the speech and what was in it. His insight into how they’ve lost £18 million over a Financial Fair Play period will be especially juicy, in particular as the club has played in front of full houses for four years straight despite languishing in the lower leagues.
This is such an obvious step for them, and for the paper to be bigging up.
This will doutbless form part of their representations to UEFA when they are applying for a dispensation. Unfortunately, UEFA is not likely to be overly impressed by a director blowing smoke at a meeting of half-drunk bean counters. It might look impressive on a resume, but they’re going to need more.
This part, I found particularly hilarious:
“Murray will also discuss his previous involvement with the Ibrox outfit including the disastrous Sir David Murray and Craig Whyte eras that led to liquidation …”
Yes, he will tell them of his history of being involved with failed Ibrox operations, and then regale them with the story of how he’s going to save this one.
What a pleasure that’s going to be to listen to.
Chartered accountants in our midst, mark it in your diaries!