Sevco are in the hunt for their latest signing; a new mascot, willing to take on a zero hours contract.
What happened here?
Was Broxy Bear asking for too much money?
Did negotiations break down over his salary? His signing on fee?
Dear oh dear.
Whatever it was, they have published quite a deep and complex requirements criteria.
I think if they were looking to recruit “in-house” they’d have trouble, hence the external listing.
The individual they are looking for must be creative. That rules out Joe Dodoo and most of their front men. They must be ambitious. Which rules out any of their new signings. They must have a good work ethic, which means Niko Kranjcar won’t get it. They must have experience in ensuring “goodwill in the community.” Which almost certainly rules out large numbers of their supporters. They need to have an “energetic personality and the ability to motivate others”, which explains why Andy Halliday, once thought of as a future captain, has been allowed to leave the club, with even this skill-set beyond his limited reach. The required candidate must also have the “ability to troubleshoot situations without delay and act accordingly.” Jim Traynor will need to stick to sending out press releases, licking stamps and putting them on envelopes I guess.
They must also be able to pass an Enhanced Disclosure.
Which means that although he’d certainly enjoy milking the attention and adulation of their gullible fans Dodgy Dave King wouldn’t be able to get the job.
There are some criteria in which some of these Peepul will do quite well; being able to appear in costume is one of them. Hell it’s nearly July. Most of them already celebrate Halloween earlier than the rest of us. Working in some bizarre get-up will be nothing to them.
Dave King’s antennae must have been prickling at this line; “A background in performance/drama is desirable.” Shame about the criminal record. But I can’t help thinking, reading that, and remembering some of his histrionics from last season, as well as trying to imagine his poker face whilst “answering questions under caution” that Kenny Miller would be ideally suited to a role where those kind of qualities were in high demand.
The individual who gets the gig will have some latitude to create the “personality” of said mascot; which, I dunno, could lead to trouble … Billy The Bigmouthed Bigot anybody? I’m sure it will be easy enough to make a fat suit, and you can get those rubber Buckfast bottles in any number of good novelty shops or online stores if you know your stuff.
This, however, is my favourite bit.
This is the bit that knocks it out of the park, and secures this ad a place in the pantheon of hilarity, by which we measure almost everything that happens over at Ibrox right now.
The candidate who’s successful will be “responsible for mascot costume operations including creativity, care, cleaning, maintenance, etc.”
Yep, that’s right. The person who gets the gig will be responsible for cleaning and repairing the outfit … as if they were doing this themselves, self-employed, on their spare time, instead of working for the club. This takes penny-pinching to epic heights.
Is this new money-saving idea being extended right across the club?
Sevco fans have a right to know.
Are players now washing their own kits?
Are there WAGS sitting, right now, as I write this, in floods of tears as the reality of it sinks in, sewing letters onto second-hand training tops?
Is this where King is going to find the cash for new signings?
This is like scrounging about beneath the sofa cushions for any spare change. Hey we’ve all done it.
This is less classy.
But when you are really on the bones of your arse, every little helps I suppose.