Pedro Caixinha is one of those guys who just provides you with non-stop entertainment.
Yesterday was another one of those Ibrox press conferences we’ve come to enjoy so much; a “Don’t worry, be happy” affair which wants to gloss over mistakes and setbacks and calamities and focus minds on how wonderful things are.
Hey, Pedro, you know that when The Talking Heads sang “Nothing But Flowers” all things being rosy isn’t what they meant, right?
Knocked out of Europe early, against a team who had never previously won a match in continental competition? Oh that’s no problem at all. We’re over that. All except the people who have to come into Ibrox each day and make the numbers add up. Those of them who aren’t doped up to the eyeballs to get through their shift sit and cry a lot but they are weak people anyway. Ain’t a one of them would get in the first team.
Pedro is not a miracle worker.
He’s told us that.
It would take one of those to make them financially solvent, but that’s not his area of expertise anyway.
And yesterday he let us into a wee secret about what that is.
He is the blower up of balloons.
Yes, in front of the hacks yesterday Pedro Caixinha claimed for himself the skill-set of a crèche worker.
Add that to the CV along with the bullfighting and being able to sit on a jet-ski.
The board must be so pleased to have such a multi-talented boss. All Brendan did was study neurolinguistics for five years. What a waste of time that was.
Real men are out in the world doing … actual stuff.
There was another classic moment, when he discussed the finer points of pressure.
“I’ve never understood what it means. Pressure for me is a physics concept,” he said.
Can I be the only person who rubbed their eyes after reading that, and then read it again to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating it?
A physics concept?
What the Hell does that even mean?
That he doesn’t feel pressure?
How happy all those in the club who feel the noose around their own necks will feel hearing that. How much better it must look for them.
This guy, he can’t possibly be for real.
Hey I know the media has a short attention span, but this team of his has already played two competitive games and they couldn’t have been more important. Their hugely unconvincing 1-0 home win in the Europa League was followed up by the nightmarish result away, about which they are now blissfully dismissive. A couple of friendly wins does not erase that, nor the damage it has done to the club and his own reputation.
He doesn’t feel pressure? Fair enough, and this weekend might well not end with a significant reversal but this team of Portuguese and Mexicans has wet Wednesday nights at Inverness to look forward to at some point and my money is not on them handling those well.
If he doesn’t feel pressure right now my guess is that he’ll understand it soon enough.
Look, another club would have cut its losses here already and sacked this guy. Ian Cathro has been fired for an early exit from the League Cup. So when you consider that Caixinha is still in a job in spite of the single worst result in the history of his club, and one which overshadows every single reversal in the history of the club they pretend to be, it’s astonishing that he can sit in front of the media and come out with all this nonsense and get away with it.
If they could afford to sack him, if they hadn’t given him all the marbles, and a three year deal, I think his backside would have been on the pavement four weeks ago. Perhaps even sooner. The 5-1 tanking we handed them in front of their own fans … more of that is coming, unless he’s gone before we next roll up at Ibrox.
Pedro, you’re not the blower up of balloons; you are the balloon. You’ve mistaken it for blowing bubbles, which is more appropriate to you. And this one is just waiting to be burst. It is a matter of time. The screwball comedy in which you are the star is heading for an inevitable, and horrific, ending. I wish it were not so. Three years of this would be just what the doctor ordered, but you’ll be lucky to see out this campaign.