Date: 3rd February 2018 at 10:01am
Written by:

For those who missed it, Graeme Murty’s press conference was a beauty.

I have transcribed it for those who can’t afford £1690 for Sevco TV’s Premium coverage.

“Hey! We’re gonna Make Sevco Great Again! Alright!

“Boy you have a lot of people here, like the biggest crowd at a press conference ever. The CelticBlog is going to say about ten people, but look around you. It’s more like fifteen. Twenty. A hundred. Biggest crowd ever at a Glasgow press conference.

“Hey! Alright! This club is going to be great!

“It’s going to be big. Bigger than ever. Bigger than any other. You know, I always do things big.

“We spent big in this transfer window. I know the press doesn’t report it, you guys out there, you fake news guys, but really it was. We spent millions. More than any other club in the world. Honestly.

“The Morelos deal? All true. Every bit of it. Huge deal. Massive deal. The biggest deal involving a Scottish team, right? Bigger than any from Fake New FC across town.

“You know Dembele? We could have had him. We could have signed him. The money was there. They offered him to us and we could have done that. I can prove it. I have the fax; I can show it to you after we’re done. Kheredine? You come and take a look at it. Like the Morelos one. But bigger.

“Yes, I have big hands. Authentically big. Really big. The biggest hands, ever.

“And we will be building that Derry’s Wall.

“And the Derry’s will pay for it, honestly. And the war chest for next season.

“Celtic? Who are they? Run by that short guy with the tan. Do they even have a nuclear button? I have a nuclear button. The biggest nuclear button. And it works.

“You know I met him at a cocktail party. Brendan Rodgers. He was there. I was there with, you know, the hottest people in Govan. They were all there at the party. And this party, there was singing at this party and I was leading the singing. I was conducting the orchestra like this. With these hands. These big hands right here. Real big. Authentically big. And Brendan he was there, an old man, sitting alone. In the end he failed and he failed badly. Lost all of his money. He went personally bankrupt. And he was now much older.

“And I saw him at a cocktail party and it was very sad because the hottest people in Govan, they were at this party.

“And by the way, when we get 55 you’ll be saying Happy Champions Day again when you go shopping. Believe me. They’ve been downplaying that little, beautiful phrase. You’re going to be saying Happy Champions Day again, folks. Because we’re back.

“And this club is going to be big. Bigger than ever. The biggest. Authentically big. The biggest in the world.

“We are the Peepul. This club is big. Really, the biggest.

“And these big hands. They’re real. Really real. Authentically real. Like the Morelos deal. Only realer. And bigger.”

Or something like that, anyway.

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