When I think of the way Sevco is run, it’s often Only Fools and Horses analogies that come to mind; they are so obvious. Wide-boys on the make, living in a run down shit-hole, struggling to make ends meet and basically living a hand-to-mouth existence. Yes they make it big in the end. They also lose the lot on some daft scheme or other. Which is all to say nothing of the moment I’m forever grateful for in explaining to outsiders the Survival Lie … the tale of Triggers Broom.
This morning, I got up to the ridiculous headlines about Gerrard and Martin Skrtel, for God’s sake. A player Liverpool sold for £5 million and who is on wages, in Turkey, that have to be in the region of £50,000 a week. Gerrard can “target” him all he wants. I think that’s the sum total of all he’ll be doing. Besides, isn’t it just So Sevco? They will let Alves go at the end of the season. Why not replace him with another over 30’s player looking for a pension top-up?
Really building for the future, aren’t they?
Trouble is a cyclic thing at Sevco. Mired in scandal, reeling from setback after setback, it’s never really behind them. It’s just on the other side of the loop and coming back towards them again. They won’t break it whilst they have people like King running the show, and they’ll always have people like King running the show because of the nature of their support.
Let’s start from the obvious bit. Steven Gerrard is Sevco’s version not of John Barnes but of Ian Cathro. If another club was appointing him it would be viewed as an imaginative choice but questions, hard questions, would be getting asked. The only way the Cathro comparison doesn’t stand up is that Cathro had more experience as a coach and as part of a management team than Gerrard might ever acquire in his career … which this move is certainly going to cut short.
This is a Dave King move born of utter desperation. Celtic are at seven in a row, and season ticket sales are in a slump. The very existence of the club might well have been imperilled by a down-turn in those, so he had to pull something out of the hat. And in terms of public relations this is a beauty because the Peepul are lapping it up and he’ll fill Ibrox.
But this is what desperate men do. They gamble.
Which is why the episode of Only Fools that comes to mind most is the season two classic A Losing Streak. And it’s not, as you might think, Del’s seemingly unbreakable run of bad luck that makes me compare the two. In fact, it’s a scene in the Nags Head where Del is despondent over just burning his stake-money on a two headed coin toss that went the other way. And Rodney decides to cheer him up, by pulling on his jacket and heading out to get him some quick cash.
Del asks the obvious question; “Where from?”
And Rodney replies: “Oi, when the chips are down I can be just as sharp as you. Now, remember that party we had at the flat last month? Yeah there was plenty of booze, right?”
“Not going to organize a disco are you?” Del asks, with hope.
“Eh no. I’m going to take the empties back for you!” Rodney tells him.
And right now that’s Sevco, that’s Steven Gerrard and his promise of “investment cash” from Dave King. As Gerrard knows, but apparently has not yet processed, the funds for this miracle war-chest aren’t in place yet.
All this guy has is the word of a convicted criminal that the money will show up. His one hope of success is that King, the hustler, who has failed thus far will suddenly strike gold.
Why does he believe it? I know why Sevco fans believe it, they believe every piece of nonsense that runs in the papers and on the forums about this garbage. But it is sheer folly for Gerrard to take this job, and this level of risk, without having concrete backing. Remember, the Takeover Panel itself won’t simply take King’s word for it any longer, they want to see the colour of his money before they’ll sign off on the idea he has complied with them.
A lot of people are in for one Hell of a shock here if they think Gerrard is going to spend tens of millions of pounds. I think Sevco fans are in for a shock when he makes the announcement that his target for next season is to “make progress” and finish second. Let’s see how they deal with his conceding eight in a row before a ball is kicked.
All this is just madness, of course. Celtic fans who thought that eventually the banter years would have to end … are you serious?
This is a circus with no sign of closing down.
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