Kris Boyd is so bad that it’s almost funny. Almost. But not quite.
He never reaches the level of funny.
He shoots for that goal – or his writing appears to suggest that he does – but he just doesn’t hit the mark.
The man is a goon. He wouldn’t get a job on a school paper.
Yet a national title pays him good money and lets him swan around pretending to be a journalist.
This at a time when there are more good writers out there than ever, and probably some very talented people banging on the windows and doors of the offices where guys like Boyd now take up space like pot-plants who have evolved to the point they can type.
Today he unveiled his list of three targets Sevco needs to sign if they are to beat us. They are not very imaginative unless you ask him where the money’s coming from and then he’d have to get creative right quick. It’s probably beyond his limited abilities.
The players he has outlined are ex-Aberdeen footballers Kenny McLean and Graeme Shinnie, and current Aberdeen youth Lewis Ferguson. McLean and Shinnie were both linked with moves to Ibrox when their Dons contracts expired; neither moved there.
Now Boyd thinks the club should spend a big chunk of money it doesn’t have to try and sign them.
Lewis Ferguson made me laugh because his uncle Bazza recently affirmed when asked if the kid would sign for us.
But I’m going to assume that you still haven’t heard the best bit; Boyd says that if he were currently playing at Ibrox he would tell the rest of his team-mates that there is nothing to fear from us, that we are a pretty good side but not unbeatable.
This is amusing for a number of reasons, the best of them being that the points they dropped last season weren’t even mostly against us.
This fixation with the head-to-heads stops Sevco from taking other teams seriously, and that has had the results you’ve seen over these past couple of years.
It’s why Hearts – bottom of the table Hearts – won in the league and cup.
The notion that they shouldn’t fear us is preposterous anyway, as I have no doubt we’d have ably demonstrated had we rolled into Ibrox before the lockdown finished the season off.
Their club was floundering. Ours was flying.
The change in the system would have been more than they could take; I think we’d have beaten them comfortably that day.
We’d also have roundly thrashed them at Celtic Park.
Chris Sutton, talking today on Celtic’s online celebration of the title, put it best we he said that the 13-point gap would only have grown in the event we’d got to play all of our games. Far from catching us, I think they’d have slipped further behind.
Boyd clearly doesn’t think so, and he reckons that the gulf can be closed by signing the Aberdeen midfield from three years ago … wasn’t that the one that failed to stop The Invincibles? Yeah, I rather think it was.
There is no way, even if the money for these signings could be procured, that they would be able to muster enough to stop the march towards ten.
Our media has more important things to worry about though.
Standards are slipping across the industry, and that’s in no small part due to the role muppets like this play in the national press.
Their presence there must be a source of embarrassment to those who worked hard and learned the trade, and who now have to share office space with village idiots and assorted clowns who’s only qualification is that they once kicked a ball.
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