Shock As Celtic Manager Claims They Can Win Key Game – A Keith Jackass Exclusive.

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Shock As Celtic Manager Claims They Can Win Key Game – A Keith Jackass Exclusive.

Celtic fans were today stunned and embarrassed as their manager actually boasted that they could win the crucial 2 January game at Ibrox, a task which everyone (who writes for this newspaper) knows is impossible. The Celtic fans we spoke to know it too.

Lennon’s incredible comments come after a spell of wins which has seen his club stay narrowly ahead in the quest for European places and helped them secure a controversial quadruple treble, which although impressive on paper isn’t actually good enough to beat the five consecutive trebles won by lowly Lincoln Red Imps of Gibraltar’s amateur league.

Two more amateur sides, Dillions Shoe Factory Select and Maidstone Home And Gardens also claim to have won their respective domestic grand-slams several times in a row.

This casts a dark shadow over Celtic’s alleged achievement, and will infuriate fans who are expected to turn on the board the moment these triumphs are confirmed by researchers.

Now, to add further embarrassment, the manager is actually making grandiose claims about their ability to defeat the all-conquering Ibrox side who have swept everything in their path aside during a run which has only been interrupted once, in Scotland’s meaningless third rate cup competition which no-one at the table topping club was all that bothered about.

“It’s just arrogance, isn’t it?” one veteran ex-Ibrox player told us whilst eating a bag of Monster Munch. “I mean, they will be playing against one of the top teams in Europe. How can they hope to beat us? Lennon is clearly just playing to the gallery here.”

What’s more, even some neutrals like Tom English, Neil McCann, Charlie Nicholas and Hugh Dallas, all scoffed when this paper contacted them to get their take on Lennon’s astounding claim that his side actually has a chance.

“Lennon is just bigging himself up,” said Nicholas. “He doesn’t actually think they can win. And as for that Martin O’Neill, who does he think he is? You know I’ve never thought he was a good manager. Both he and Lennon won lucky trebles. They were lucky as players as well. What did O’Neill ever win anyway? He wasn’t even at decent clubs.”

We also spoke to a contact at Celtic, who asked not to be named, and we asked him about Lennon’s mad suggestion that a win at Ibrox was possible.

“It bloody well better be,” said our source, as the sound of boxes being packed was clearly audible in the background.

“I’ve personally supported him and my reputation is in the toilet as it is. By the way, why did you tell people I said our fans were ‘entitled?’ Yeah I know it’s an exact quote, but I did tell you not to publish it until after we’d sold next season’s tickets, right?”

When we approached Neil Lennon for further comment he listened for a while as we told him what we intended to write, and then he burst out laughing.

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