SNP Government Must Raise Taxes And Fund Ibrox Ambitions – A Keith Jackass Exclusive.

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SNP Government Must Raise Taxes And Fund Ibrox Ambitions – A Keith Jackass Exclusive.

Senior politicians and finance experts have lined up today in calling on the SNP to set aside fears that it has a “bias” against Ibrox by putting up taxes and giving the money to the Ibrox club in order to bridge the “unfair” finance gap with Celtic.

The defending champions, fresh from their excellent result in midweek and their spirited display today, and with the SPFL already on the ropes over the sponsorship deal, are readying their next big battle, this time against the Scottish Government itself.

In a week where even fellow MSP’s have decried the obvious hatred the Holyrood administration has for the “quintessential British team”, the directors are preparing a PR campaign to highlight the lack of support the club has been given in the race to keep up with Celtic’s spending.

“It’s obvious that Celtic has some kind of in-built advantage over us in terms of money,” a boardroom source told this journalist. “I mean, when the government was handing it out like sweeties they never even took a dip. This shows that things are skewed in their favour, and the Government has a responsibility to help us out. We were only allowed to access £3 million in loans. It is outrageous and clearly shows that there’s a bias against us because of who we are.”

We spoke to a football finance expert who agreed;

“When you look at the fact that the SNP has been in office over the time of these major losses, it is clear they are operating to some kind of agenda. It is only fair that they balance this up with an immediate cash injection. Somewhere in the region of £50 million would be appropriate, and of course that number would go up if the club fails to win on Tuesday. It could be paid for by putting an extra penny on income tax; the Scottish people would almost certainly support such a measure on the club’s behalf.”

We also spoke to a senior SNP official, who was speaking from an Irish bar where in the background they were celebrating Dundee Utd’s fortunate victory.

He was bullish about the prospects of a challenge from Ibrox. “We survived Alex Salmond,” he said. “I’m sure we’ll not be threatened by a little piss-ant like Stewart Robertson.”

When asked to comment on reports that he recently took the knee at a public event, a gesture known to be supportive of Marxist agitators, he brazenly denied it. “I was tying my shoe-laces mate. Have you got some kind of emotional issue?”

A Tory MSP, who asked us to respect his anonymity, offered the Ibrox club his support.

“Clearly the SNP hasn’t done enough to help them,” he said, pulling on his black socks and checking his linesman’s flag. “I would raise this question myself if it wouldn’t raise so many about my second job. So we’ll leave it to Murdo, he’ll have a right go at them over it.”

Politicians from other main parties weighed in.

A Labour councillor from Larkhall offered the view that, “Scotland is full of these people now, left-wing toe-rags affiliated with all kinds of dodgy organisations and supporting the Irish football club on the East End. All the while a club like ours – ahem, I mean Rangers – is literally dying before our eyes, starved of cash. Of course the tax-payer should bail them out. Of course the SNP is resisting this because of bias.”

We tried to contact Dominic McKay, finally getting him on the fourth attempt.

“How many more times do I need to change this number?” he sighed. “You lot are mental, do you know that? I never had all these lunatic questions to answer when I was at Scottish Rugby.”

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