Fear And Loathing On Radio Clyde. Carboard Cut Outs And Sevco Tears.

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Rarely – very rarely – do I listen to Radio Clyde, but I knew that tonight would be special, that it would be one those nights, that it would reach for that special kind of magnificence which only a parade of angry Ibrox callers could get to.

From the first minute to last it was glorious.

And I mean from the first minute, and the first caller, a grown man who actually openly admitted on the radio that he owns a cardboard cut-out of Steven Gerrard but that it was now turned to face the wall.

That’ll teach the Scouse toe-rag eah?

“Joost you face that wallpaper; ah don’t even want tae talk to you the night.”

Whilst I was still trying to ponder how nutty that caller was the second came on, almost choked up with tears of frustration and anger, furiously spitting about how Gerrard had actually left them on Remembrance Day.

And I realised at that moment that for some of them all this poppy stuff is an actual Real Thing, all wrapped up in their self-image now, not just about baiting Celtic and finding another reason to hate us.

For them, Gerrard’s most egregious sin is not leaving, not even that he has left at this stage of the season, not that he took the whole backroom team with him or just days after saying he was happy in front of the cameras and not even naming his daughter Lourdes … no, this is the Final Insult.

This guy probably got the confirmation during the minute’s silence and violently cursed with a reference to fenians or something before realising there were still 52 seconds of quiet time left to go.

One guy was almost crying at “how quickly it all happened” as if he was talking about a death in the family … and he made sure to say Gerrard is now banned from the family as far as he’s concerned. It was a call reeking with entitlement.

And it was, every call, all in the same vein; absolutely bonkers.

You know what was almost completely missing from the discourse, as though anyone who had intended to make the point was prevented from getting through?

Any notion that Gerrard is jumping before the ship goes down, which is blatantly obvious to anyone who is looking at this with a fully critical eye.

Even the one guy who did get on to talk about that rambled nonsense about how Gerrard didn’t have tie on for his Villa unveiling and then suggested that it was the club itself which pushed him out the door to bring in some cash.

“It’s easy to join the dots now,” Gordon Duncan said when trying to suss how this could have happened.

Aye, and it was easy to join them months ago, way before the accounts came out as well.

Some of us managed it quite easily.

He also suggested, with desperation in his voice, that there must be some players at Ibrox who “would do a job in the bottom half of the Premier League.”

As if Gerrard’s new team will only play games against those clubs!

That’s not quite how it works, as someone should explain to him.

As it happens, their financial position could be worse … think, for a start, about how so much of their club merchandise comes with Gerrard’s image on it. Think of all those cardboard cuts out for a start … worth nothing now.

The cost of replacing that stuff could cost more than the compensation they got! Even their future projections have to change now; so much of their marketing is based on him, and his profile which is much higher than that of the club.

Of course, no-one on Clyde commented on that either.

What was more incredible in some ways than the callers were was how gutted two of the panellists were. I was only disappointed that Alex Rae wasn’t on; his own pain would have tasted better than a cold Amstel on a warm night.

(Not Mark Wilson, obviously. He sounded like he enjoyed much of the evening’s entertainment.)

They struggled with their own emotions, and Gordon Duncan was so pissed off that he slammed Gordon Dalziel for indulging in “hallmark birthday card pish” for trying to cheer them up and actually openly snarked that “seeing Gerrard holding up that Villa top was like seeing your ex with her new man.”

I listened to that in stunned silence, then burst out laughing.

And I knew instinctively, “That guy is gonna go home and turn his cardboard cut-out to face the wall, isn’t he?”

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  • REBELLIOUS says:

    Like you, I make a point of not tuning into that ‘hunfest’ Clyde SS.
    I may now have to because if its as good as you say it’s a must.
    Clyde SS here I come.
    Being in Darkest Devon it’s not a problem listening to that show now we have apps and digital radio.

    • Jim Duffy says:

      Rebellious ,I live in darkest Devon too and I’ll definitely be listening to Clyde SS ,I note everyone down here say to me are you happy now that slippy g has left ipox ,as if we were terrified of him and how great he is because he’s English ,I pointed out he won 1 trophy out of 9 ,they don’t seem to realise how pish he was , anyway even if he had stayed Ange would have put him in his place.

  • Charles says:

    The laughable bit is they all believe he will go on to manage a team who in their history have only had 3 scouse managers and the last English born manager was over 3 decades ago in a league where not one English manager has won it. Where do these pundits get their ideas from.

  • Seán McManus says:

    That first paragraph was feckin brilliant!!
    Had to read it to the Mrs.
    Went completely over her head of course.
    Then I said “how would you feel if I had a cardboard cut out of Ange Postecoglou in the front room”.
    She replied “who’s he”
    Made my night…

  • Dex says:

    It did make me laugh out loud newco callers mentioning the word integrity,geezo

  • Seán McManus says:

    Typo I Meant
    She replied “Who’s She?”
    Watching Ireland and typing at the same time.

  • harold shand says:

    It’s times like these when the mask most definitely slips on the presenter of that show

  • Dora says:

    Gotta say it saddens me somewhat that the hillbillies have turned on Stevie….all he did was squander 10s of millions from the funny money trees!!
    What’s not to like, 1in9, he did his best so I don’t get all the anger from wangers footy fans…loyal bunch!

  • ?Green Machine? says:

    Liquidated Rangers were Bigger than Villa But!!! Govan Sevco FC 2012 are Nowhere near as Big as Villa.Facts are facts Sevco have achieved the impossible 1 in a Row.Only reason they got it was Celtic just weren’t firing on All Cylinders last season.Just how much Debt is Sevco Allowed to Obtain with the SFA given them a Helping Hand at every turn.And Referees with there honest mistakes.Slippy will not have that Luxury Down South.This Cunt,rys National Football Association is an Embarrassment to Every Other Club in Scotland.Slippy jumped Ship before the SS Sevco Ends Up Like the Titanic

  • Saulgoodman says:

    Managed 20 mins on weds night but listening to Simon donnelly kissing rings hoping for another appearance – just too much ! Gerrard having dinner wi villa owners + him + halliday are saying I just don’t see him leaving a big team for Aston villa – really Rodgers won 7/7 couldn’t wait to leave – too much brown nosing on ssb ….

  • Tam c says:

    Impartial…. Gordon Duncan my shirt tail. Just as impartial as Barry Ferguson when he “couldn’t believe the compensation they got for Gerrard” He went on to compare what CELTIC got when Rodgers left.
    Both served about the same time as manager Rodgers won everything domestically he entered Gerrard won only 1. So when negotiating compensation (Well).
    And to think they get paid for their opinions. My goodness.

  • Barry says:

    I like you, rarely listen to the show, but the pull was too much and wasn’t disappointed with the comedy gold from the kick off. I could hear you listening to it also, as there was nothing surer of kangaroo court and the hordes throwing their ropes over then tended branches before the lord judge, jury & executioner had brought down the gavel to start the arrangements.

    Shall I throw him to the floor sire???
    Yes centurion, throw him to the floor (sorry, can’t spell the speech impediment?).

    The first two up were the best for pure anger and hatred. However, although the rest were somewhat calmer, their pain and sense of betrayal was quite evident.

    Anyway, family buckets of jelly & ice cream, and maybe a barrow load of popcorn to sit back and watch the best show on telly & radio for the last nine years?.

    He was not the Messiah
    He was very naughty boy?


  • SSMPM says:

    I’ve got to say James I don’t listen to Clyde SS and was disappointed with this article. I was expecting a more serious, insightful and sincere approach in keeping with the blog generally so in that regard this was not your best piece.

    It was however by far and away your funniest. Definitely. The one about the cardboard cut out had me in stitches. Unbeatable I thought and then you delivered the fella quoting Remembrance Day line. I mean people just don’t do that right? Its the way you tell ’em. Fantastic, you’re in the wrong job but its your only one so keep up the good work. I’m off to the CSS podcast. HH

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