Moonhowling Ibrox Site Promotes Bizarre New Unseen Hand “Watergate” Theory.

One of the things I once took a sort of mocking satisfaction in was reading Ibrox Noise as it popped up on Newsnow every other day.

Since their banishment from that site – at about the same time, as it happens, as my own – they have fallen off my radar screen somewhat.

Which is a pity as they are still capable, from time to time, of producing gold plated brilliance.

Not brilliance as you or I would automatically recognise it; batshit brilliance.

Stuff that is so out there, and so Grade One moronic or moon-howling that it simply has no equivalent, anywhere else in the blogosphere. Their latest masterpiece is magnificent.

It is entitled “Spanish corruption investigation could tie into Rangers.”

And it attempts – and this is no joke, okay? – to link a scandal involving Spanish football officials taking bribes to move the Spanish Super Cup to Saudi Arabia with the “scandal” of Seville not providing enough water to the Ibrox fans last week.

If you are scratching your head wondering what one thing has to do with the other, well even the author of the article doesn’t even seem to be particularly clear on that.

He opens the piece thus; “OK, at first this might not seem to linked directly to (us) but it is linked to our demand for an investigation into what happened to us in Seville.”

Except that it isn’t, and not even in the most circumstantial way except that Seville is in Spain and the corruption inquiry he’s talking about involves Spanish football.

What possible connection could the Spanish Super Cup and bribery have to do with the way their fans were allegedly treated at the Europa League Final … and why does the Unseen Fenian Hand appear to hover above all this, like it’s waiting to slap somebody on the arse?

The Ibrox Noise piece lays out a brief section on the Super Cup scandal and then makes this incredible, fantastical, bizarre leap of “logic” … brace yourselves.

“This interesting, because the two question we asked after the events in Seville were, could all the hundreds of millions at stake in European football make someone think it was a good idea to shut up Rangers fans by making them too parched to roar; and did someone in deliberately put thousands of people’s health at risk, just to tilt the playing field in Frankfurt’s direction.”

As you can gather I’m not even tiding up the grammar and spelling on that car-crash paragraph, as it deserves to be read exactly as it’s been written and published.

The allegation is that “someone” in European football turned off the water so the Ibrox fans couldn’t sing, in order to “tilt the playing field” in the direction of the Germans winning the Europa League.

And this is somehow connected – doubtless through that Unseen Fenian Hand – to the investigation into the Saudi Arabia scandal … confused?

Yeah, just a bit. The writer’s mind works in mysterious ways alright.

This insanity continues;

“Looking at just the health risk when a stadium cannot house people safely for the duration of the event, then the stadium must be closed, in order to get people to safety. In this extreme heat…some of our fans could have died from heat stroke. So, the match should have been cancelled and the match continuing under these conditions was, in our view, 100% criminal.”

Am I mad (not this mad obviously) or is he asking for the game to be replayed?

And on the lunacy goes …

“And when this is taken with the authorities ignoring the demands of vendors to sell their food and drinks to thousands of fans, that is why we thought all the decisions made on Wednesday were inconsistent with normal practice (this includes grabbing water at the entrance from Rangers fans, banning displays only at the Rangers end and moving the Gers bus pickup location, so the fans had to walk for hours to the stadium in roasting heat)…and now we see this.”

Now you see what exactly?

Two separate situations conflated into one?

A simple failure of organisation at a ground … forming the basis of a gigantic conspiracy at the heart of UEFA itself?

For Christ’s sakes, whatever it is that you think you see, I advise – strongly – laying off the hallucinogenic drugs for a while.

I find this line particularly wonderful.

“If the newspapers in Scotland still think an apology is all we need they need their head examined.”

The writer in the grip of this braying madness actually has the brass neck to claim that other people might need their heads examined!

UEFA has been accused of a lot down through the years, but only an Ibrox fan site – and only this particular Ibrox fan site – would level a charge like this at them.

Collusion with the Spanish FA to deprive their fans of water to stop them singing and thus influence the progress of a UEFA Cup Final.

You could not make that up.

Not for the European governing body something simpler, like picking a bent referee … oh no, they had to go for a conspiracy so exotic that Ian Fleming wouldn’t have used it in a James Bond plot.

We know that most Ibrox fans live in a half-light of delusion and paranoia … but it’s cleat the Ibrox Noise lot live outside the margins even by the standards of their fan-base as a whole.

They are, to be blunt, crazier than the proverbial shit-house rat.