Celtic’s Board Gets That Sinking Feeling As The Ground Goes Under! An Exclusive By Keith Jackass.

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Celtic’s Board Gets That Sinking Feeling As The Ground Goes Under! An Exclusive By Keith Jackass.

After a week of storms, Celtic Park came within hours of being swept away in the Clyde, this writer can exclusively reveal. The news will astound fans who have been told that their club is on a sound footing, when actually they are up to their knees in fenian mud.

Celtic fans were stunned, during the week, to read that the Livingston game was in danger as a result of flooding inside the ground.

Pictures emerged of a concession stand with water on the floor.

On the night of the game they found out that one of the stadium big screens would not be in operation.

They would have been even more shocked had they known the full extent of the damage.

A toilet in the Jock Stein stand had overflowed. Another was leaking from the pipe at the back. A third had a broken flush.

To make matters worse, someone had left the taps dripping overnight in one of the kitchens; there was a half inch of water in the sink in the morning.

That could easily have proved disastrous. Celtic Park was clearly in real danger.

We spoke with a rep from a Celtic fan site last night, and he expressed his amazement at the news. Billy King, who writes for The Celtic Way, was clear who he thought was responsible.

“This is clearly down to Ange Postecoglou,” he said. “I think he needs to consider his position.”

We tried to contact the club itself, but no-one would take our call except for a man who we will only refer to as Mr L.

Mr L. did come to the phone, but was not in much of a chatty mood.

“I would love to talk, you know I love to talk to the media, but I’m a little bit busy right now. At present, I’m standing here in waders and a waterproof outfit, with my rubber gloves on, trying to use a wrench to fix some of these pipes. You don’t know a good plumber do you? Someone cheap? I’d rather the club didn’t spend recklessly …”

After several dozen attempts, we were finally able to get through to the manager himself, who was even less inclined to make conversation.

“For Christ’s sake Keith, do you not know when to quit mate? Over and over again you call me with these idiotic questions … you sound drunk too. Are you back in the wine bar?”

Lastly, we spoke to an insurance expert who estimated that the cost to Celtic would be “in the tens of millions” if their ground were, theoretically, to be swept away by rising Clyde flood-waters.

“But they could always hire out Ibrox. In that scenario, they can continue playing and Mick will have his transfer kitty. Everybody wins, right?”

Celtic fans would be right to be worried this morning.

They were much closer to that disaster than anyone inside Parkhead is letting on.

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  • James McAllister says:

    Brilliant ????????????

  • Nick66 says:

    Is it true Keith that The toilets at Ipox have been upgraded. For every Celtic,”busted flush”, Ibrox have installed a Royal Flush? Every press plays the Anthem, I’m told.

  • Thomas adam says:

    Claim to be a member of nuj the worst attempt at satire I’ve read ,and that’s a lot .

  • Thomas Daly says:

    Listen stuoit that’s where you should be down in the soures with the other scumbag rats and who allowed you to about fenian other rats in the press you should be took to task for this you clown

  • Thomas Daly says:

    Stupit clown

  • Kevin Dunne says:

    Your surname is very much suited to your article , we play in Glasgow do u know how much it rains there every year , an u think a couple of burst pipes and leaks will suddenly have the stadium sinking , you need to stay off the buckfast mate

  • Kevin Dunne says:

    Where u paid by the things that run ipox to come out with load of total bull

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