Nacho Novo’s “How To Catch Celtic” Plan Is As Brainless As Anything He’s Ever Said.

You have to love it when one of the more brainless ex-Ibrox players throws his two-bob’s worth into the debate about what the hapless team over there has to do if they are to catch Celtic.

There cannot be many more dolt-like than Nacho Novo.

This is the Village Idiot poster-boy, one of the most astonishingly over-hyped players of his generation and a media darling here in Scotland primarily because he allegedly refused to join Celtic and went to Ibrox instead.

He even gave his autobiography the diabolically clunky title “I Said No Thanks” … his literary agent isn’t going to win any awards, let me tell you. Nor will the book win any unless it’s under “children’s fiction” as the headline claim is based on a fairytale he’s been telling himself since Celtic officials heard his wage demands and escorted him to his car.

Novo is always good for a laugh when he pops up to share some pearl of wisdom with the world.

For the rest of the time he is using what little wit and intelligence he has to bleed the fans of the Ibrox club, including charging them outrageously to drink in his soon-closed grubby backstreet boozer whose décor resembled what you’d find in a cheap New Orleans whorehouse circa 1952.

He even carpeted it. Jesus wept. A carpet. In a Glasgow pub. That thing must have needed fumigating rather than cleaning. More things must have lived in there than if you dug an acre of turf out of an Amazonian rainforest.

This week, he’s been in the papers talking up The Mooch and his team, and he’s been telling them not to give up, claiming that the rag-bag outfit over there can still storm to a title win. And in case The Mooch needed it (he probably does) he even offered some sage advice on how to get the team into the right frame of mind for the battle.

Give each person who signs a book or a DVD explaining to them what the club is all about. I wonder, does he have a specific book in mind? Will he personally autograph copies of it?

It’s one way to clear all those cardboard boxes out of his garage, I suppose.

On a serious note (I was, of course, being serious) this is the kind of daft idea you expect from that clown.

Give them all a DVD. Not on football coaching or on technique or skill, which might actually come in handy for bridging the gap … no, give them some piece on how wonderful the Ibrox clubs are in the hope of making these players “staunch.”

There are a lot of problems with that idea – stupidity being the main one – but here’s the one that’s going to cause the most confusion.

If he wants to give the right impression he’s going to have to go back to DVD’s of the previous Ibrox operation, and that’s going to confuse a lot of players who already know the history and will, rightly, ask “Why are you giving us DVD’s of a different club? Isn’t that the one which died in 2012?”

Whatever Novo’s future has in store for him, he is not going to wind up at NASA.