How To Pitch An Anti-Celtic Story And Get Your Name In The Papers.

“Hello? Sports desk.”

“Hi, it’s me.”

“Who is me?”

“Very funny. It’s Alan.”

“Haha, of course it is. How you doing? Alan who, by the way?”

“I read your columns. I’d never know you were a comedian.”

“Haha, very good. Honestly, though, Alan who?”

“Hutton. Alan Hutton.”

“Oh hey! What can I do for you Alan?”

“Well, it’s been a wee while since I’ve had my name in print. Any chance you can help me out with that?”

“Well, you know how this works, you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

“You want me to … scratch your back?”

“Oh for Christ sakes, I’m speaking figuratively.”

“Figawhaterry?”

“God almighty Alan, I’m making a joke, right? Get it? You do me a favour and I’ll do you one. That better? That easier to comprehend?”

“What kind of favour you want?”

“The usual. You give me some info and I’ll put it in the paper.”

“Info? Like what? You mean like what my neighbours do on Saturday nights in their backyard hot tub?”

“Christ sake, Alan, I meant sports info. This is the sports desk …”

“You sure? Cause I’ve got mobile phone cam footage and ….”

“This is a family paper Alan! Christ sake son, every time you call here it gets a bit mental … stick to a sports story son, keep it simple, don’t delve into other areas.”

“Okay, a sports story … like what though?”

“Well you’re the ex-footballer, you tell me for Christ’s sake.”

“Well what if I told you about some of the guys I played with? You want to see some of them in the shower … one boy at Spurs … I forget his name …”

“Alan, stop, just stop alright, God almighty son, just stop … okay, how about we try it this way? I’ll give you a story, and all you have to do is comment on it.”

“You’ll give … me a story?”

“Sure, why not? Makes this process go much easier.”

“What kind of story?”

“Oh wow … every time … every bloody time … okay … I’ll ask you a question, something easy maybe, something you don’t even need to have any specific info on … let’s try this one; Daizen Maeda. There’s talk Southampton are interested. Will Celtic lose him?”

“Eh … mibbay aye. They won’t want to, but Southampton … well, it’s EPL, right? Money. Crowds. Oh wait, we have crowds … money then. And TV. We have that, but not as much. He’s a good player, not as good as Kent, but you can see why’d be interested. Southampton I mean, not Celtic. He’s already at Celtic. They will want to keep him. But can they afford to?”

“Hmmm … let’s see if we can turn that into … something. Okay, how’s this? ‘From a Celtic point of view you will be hoping it is unlikely … I understand that the lure to the Premier League is massive and Southampton need players. He probably gives them something that they do not have. But from a Celtic point of view they will want to hold on to him.’ Hmmm … sound okay? I think I can work with that. ‘Alan Hutton says Celtic will face a battle to keep Maeda because the Premiership has big money.’ You happy with that?”

“Aye, but … I don’t know what Maeda will do. Or what Celtic will do for that matter. I’ve got no information at all on Celtic, I try talking to some of the boys at Celtic, you know in the Scotland squad … they pretend not to remember who I am all the time …”

“You let the paper worry about that son, you just leave that to us.”

“Aye okay then … are you sure you’re not interested in that mobile phone footage?”

“Ahem, no I’ll pass on that one. You have a good day now son, you hear?”

“Aye, no surrender eah?”

“Eh aye, whatever you say Alan. I’ll get this online in the morning.”