Desperate Newspaper Twists The Celtic Boss’s Words In A Way That Defies Satire.

On Friday, I published my latest Keith Jackass spoof piece.

The central thrust of the article was that my alcoholic, brainless, stalkerish protagonist had an epiphany whilst watching National Geographic and seeing the ruins of some Egyptian temple … that Celtic’s current team would not be around forever, that the manager would get old, that the players would retire, that even Peter Lawwell himself would no longer be involved with the club one day.

And he breathlessly wrote that up for his latest column and published it, under a heading telling us that Armageddon was just around the corner.

A good joke, right? I thought so anyway.

But this is Scottish football and we’re dealing with a media here which seems almost grimly determined to consign satire to the bin.

Today we have an astonishing case of a journalist using Ange’s words against him to come up with an almost identical premise to the one I proposed in that spoof piece.

“CLOCK IS TICKING I’m not going to be at Celtic forever says Ange Postecoglou as Hoops boss discusses future amid Leeds links” screams The Sun’s headline, and a piece written by Derek McGregor.

This is how he chose to open the article.

“ANGE POSTECOGLOU has made it clear he won’t be at Celtic ‘forever’ amid continuing strong links with manager-less Leeds United.”

Honestly, if you’re busting a gut laughing at that extraordinary insight you aren’t alone.

Is there a single person in all of the Celtic supporter who thought that Ange would be at Parkhead “forever”?

That our grandkids would be coming to watch a team managed by the 154 year old boss, still looking good, still going strong, and still wearing his jumper?

Yeah Ange said it.

But did he really have to say it?

“Every job I’ve done, I’ve done as if I’m going to be there forever. Every decision I ever make I’m making as if I’m going to be here forever – but I won’t be. That decision, mate, might be taken out of my hands.”

Clearly he’s speaking metaphorically.

It will definitely be taken out of his hands, just as it is taken out of all of our hands eventually.

“CLOCK IS TICKING” screams the headline.

No shit. It’s ticking for us all, and it has been since the day that we were born.

Remember that expression I wrote about in Stoicism?

Memento Mori. Remember death.

And as I said, Ange might not self define as a Stoic, but he understands the principles and pretty much lives his life according to them, and memento mori is about living every day as if it might be your last one, so “I won’t be here forever” is the core of the whole idea.

Just when I think I’ve written something so ridiculous that it’s outside the grasping reach of a media that seems determined to render satire redundant Derek McGregor thinks that we should be pulling our hair out and rending our garments over pretty much what I wrote in the Jackass piece.

The truth is, I can’t keep up with this lot.

No matter how much I try, no matter how ridiculous I try to make those articles, the hacks keep on upping the ante.