Celtic Board Fears That Alien Invasion Could Scupper Rodgers Return: An Exclusive By Keith Jackass

Celtic Board Fears That Alien Invasion Could Scupper Rodgers Return: An Exclusive By Keith Jackass

Celtic officials were last night locked in crisis talks at Parkhead, after one of them admitted than a possible “alien invasion” could scupper the deal to bring former boss Brendan Rodgers back to the club. It is believed that it is this, and not the interest from Leeds, which is standing in the way of Celtic being able to make the announcement a small segment of the fan-base craves, but which might inspire others to actually burn the stadium down.

A Celtic official was giving a low-level briefing to a group of journalists last night and he was asked “what would scupper the deal at this point?” It was his answer which revealed the depth of panic inside Celtic Park, which we believed led to the meeting. “It would take an alien invasion for it not to happen at this point,” the Celtic official said.

The prospect of this obviously worries people amongst the Parkhead heirarchy.

We spoke to William Bryce, a senior astronomer at the East Belfast Observatory, which is located on the roof of a pub in the Shankhill Road and asked him whether or not there was any reason for Celtic fans to be concerned. “Oh yes,” he said. “UFO sightings worldwide are on the rise. You can clearly see how this might be the start of something much larger … they could arrive, in force, at any moment. Celtic Park would obviously be a primary target in any attack.”

I asked how he could possibly know that. “Well, I’ve been using my torch and a book on Morse Code to send them information on how the Unseen Fenian Hand might threaten their plans. I’ve made some recommendations, that’s all I’m willing to say. If I were in Brendan Rodgers’ shoes I would keep well clear of Celtic Park … and chapels, basically.”

Sandy Bryson, at the SFA, confirmed that Rodgers could not be registered in the event that aliens invade the earth. “We would certainly close in those circumstances,” he confirmed. “Unless there was an emergency request from Ibrox.”

There would also be issues with getting Rodgers to Parkhead – if it was still standing – for the signing ceremony. “International airspace would be closed,” one insider at another Belfast venue told me. “No private jets, not even First Class flights on commercial planes … he could always slum it and get the train up, if they weren’t off too … but we know he’ll never lower himself to that. If the aliens come that club won’t see Rodgers for dust.”

We tried to contact Celtic for comment on this story, but every member of the football department was conveniently busy, and the executive directors would not take our calls. We did get through to the chairman’s office; his secretary told us “Mr Lawwell is not able to come to the phone right now. Someone sent him a Brendan Rodgers voodoo doll in the post and he’s been locked in there with it for two days straight. Every now and then he asks me for another box of pins.”

An official at NASA would not refute the validity of our story, telling us, “All we can say is what we’ve been saying over and over again to everyone who has asked; no alien civilisation is known to us. No alien civilisation has contacted Earth. So whilst we cannot state with any certainty what will happen in the future, we can say that right now there is no evidence to suggest that aliens are on their way here for any purpose at all, nefarious or otherwise.”

At the time of writing, Brendan Rodgers has still not been unveiled as the manager of Celtic. Until he is, suspicions will remain that there is a last minute hitch of some sort, and we will, of course, cover every single one of the possibilities, along with bringing you every detail of the stunning rebuild of the playing squad which is happening over at Ibrox.