Celtic Board Fears That Alien Invasion Could Scupper Rodgers Return: An Exclusive By Keith Jackass

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Celtic Board Fears That Alien Invasion Could Scupper Rodgers Return: An Exclusive By Keith Jackass

Celtic officials were last night locked in crisis talks at Parkhead, after one of them admitted than a possible “alien invasion” could scupper the deal to bring former boss Brendan Rodgers back to the club. It is believed that it is this, and not the interest from Leeds, which is standing in the way of Celtic being able to make the announcement a small segment of the fan-base craves, but which might inspire others to actually burn the stadium down.

A Celtic official was giving a low-level briefing to a group of journalists last night and he was asked “what would scupper the deal at this point?” It was his answer which revealed the depth of panic inside Celtic Park, which we believed led to the meeting. “It would take an alien invasion for it not to happen at this point,” the Celtic official said.

The prospect of this obviously worries people amongst the Parkhead heirarchy.

We spoke to William Bryce, a senior astronomer at the East Belfast Observatory, which is located on the roof of a pub in the Shankhill Road and asked him whether or not there was any reason for Celtic fans to be concerned. “Oh yes,” he said. “UFO sightings worldwide are on the rise. You can clearly see how this might be the start of something much larger … they could arrive, in force, at any moment. Celtic Park would obviously be a primary target in any attack.”

I asked how he could possibly know that. “Well, I’ve been using my torch and a book on Morse Code to send them information on how the Unseen Fenian Hand might threaten their plans. I’ve made some recommendations, that’s all I’m willing to say. If I were in Brendan Rodgers’ shoes I would keep well clear of Celtic Park … and chapels, basically.”

Sandy Bryson, at the SFA, confirmed that Rodgers could not be registered in the event that aliens invade the earth. “We would certainly close in those circumstances,” he confirmed. “Unless there was an emergency request from Ibrox.”

There would also be issues with getting Rodgers to Parkhead – if it was still standing – for the signing ceremony. “International airspace would be closed,” one insider at another Belfast venue told me. “No private jets, not even First Class flights on commercial planes … he could always slum it and get the train up, if they weren’t off too … but we know he’ll never lower himself to that. If the aliens come that club won’t see Rodgers for dust.”

We tried to contact Celtic for comment on this story, but every member of the football department was conveniently busy, and the executive directors would not take our calls. We did get through to the chairman’s office; his secretary told us “Mr Lawwell is not able to come to the phone right now. Someone sent him a Brendan Rodgers voodoo doll in the post and he’s been locked in there with it for two days straight. Every now and then he asks me for another box of pins.”

An official at NASA would not refute the validity of our story, telling us, “All we can say is what we’ve been saying over and over again to everyone who has asked; no alien civilisation is known to us. No alien civilisation has contacted Earth. So whilst we cannot state with any certainty what will happen in the future, we can say that right now there is no evidence to suggest that aliens are on their way here for any purpose at all, nefarious or otherwise.”

At the time of writing, Brendan Rodgers has still not been unveiled as the manager of Celtic. Until he is, suspicions will remain that there is a last minute hitch of some sort, and we will, of course, cover every single one of the possibilities, along with bringing you every detail of the stunning rebuild of the playing squad which is happening over at Ibrox.

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  • Ging says:

    This has got to be a pi## take ,w t beep

  • Katana67 says:

    The Burning Question of the Day….

    Who would win a fight between Peter Lawwell…..

    And Owen Coyle’s Granny….??

  • Nick66 says:

    I have to say, it’s not some numty with a torch and book in Belfast attracting the aliens to Paradise, but in fact it’s Brendan’s irradiated teeth that would attract the most attention and subsequently the greatest risk. However I’ve been told that in order for BR to get his budget he has to keep his Gob shut.

  • Nick66 says:

    PS James, why is my post waiting for moderation? I never do anything in moderation!

  • peterbrady says:

    The filth have had there week of happiness now reality in our shadow for eternity HAIL!HaAIL!

    • Nick66 says:

      Happiness is relevant to circumstances, when all you have to be happy about is a Bawbag Bawwy Column, then all you have in life is a Bawbag Bawwy Column to rise up and then absolutely disappoint.

  • Johnno says:

    Well James, if the alien’s ever did land on planet football and took a look at ourselves within it, they wouldn’t be hanging around to long before they fucked off thinking everyone is completely nuts.
    Most celtic supporters would prefer to have Ange as manager over Rodgers next season, I would say.
    Yet in London, would say it’s a safe bet in saying that most spurs supporters would have Rodgers before Ange.
    So the only question is who is the better manager between Ange and Rodgers?
    I would still have to give the vote to Rodgers, simply because he’s more proven than Ange in the highest league level.
    Yet not overly excited at the prospect of a better qualified manager taking over from Ange?
    Maybe aliens could make some sense out of it, as struggling a bit myself.
    Now if that’s not bad enough, aliens only need to have a look at the amount of turd polishing going on within the shit hole at present.
    Trying to polish up free pieces of shit and claiming to be worth more than 20M in a few months time.
    Now that’s something aliens would never get there heads around, yet the scum cheerleaders within the Scottish media think so.

    • Nick66 says:

      Could you actually imagine the two egos (ions/atoms)merging into a total nuclear reaction/ fusion of football eruption. I truly believe if both could share a dentist and a decent sport psychologist well, they would be the dream team.
      Now we just need a coronation.

  • Johnny Green says:

    There were a couple of alien invasions in the George square region last season, but Ange kept his cool and still won the Title, Champions once again. 🙂

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