Fear And Loathing In Cyprus: “We’re On An Express Elevator To Hell … Going Down …”

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James Cameron knows how to make movies. Say what you want about some of the cringier elements of his films, aside from his debut – Piranha 2- he makes quality.

Other directors might turn in the visual equivalent of the long punt up the pitch, but Cameron never does.

His masterpiece is Aliens, and there’s a moment in that film which is especially applicable on a night when the future of Ibrox took another shocking turn.

I said this morning that it was typical of them to be sniggering over our garden fence when their own house is in a riotous state and tonight reality came sweeping over them like the tsunamis which rise up at the end of Cameron’s criminally under-rated gem The Abyss, threatening to drown every coastal city in the world.

It comes when the remnants of the colonial marines are locked up tight in the operations facility on LV-426.

Their entire mission is a blown catastrophe; three quarters of the team is dead. The aliens have proven far more formidable than their worst nightmares could have conjured up. The marines who are left suspect that Burke, the company man, is not playing it straight. Worst of all, their dropship has been destroyed, their weapon supplies are running pitifully low and no rescue can be expected for seventeen days.

So they make their little redoubt. They conserve what they have. They put their sentry drones out in the corridors and hope that they can hold back an alien swarm. And once they’ve made all the preparations they can, they settle in to count down the days until the relief squad comes in and gets them the Hell out of there.

And everything goes wrong. Because the dropship crash has damaged the cooling system of the entire facility, and it is overheating to the point where it will soon explode, in a multi-megaton detonation which will obliterate the colony, the aliens and the marines in one blinding flash of light. “How long till it blows?” Hicks, one of the marines, asks Bishop, the techie, the android, with a sort of resigned sigh. “Four hours,” is the answer he dreaded.

So the time they thought they had is gone. The seventeen days which had sounded such a long time to Hudson, another of the marines, has been replaced by a need to move, to move fast, to move without a real plan, improvising every step of the way. From a less than ideal situation, the remnants of the team are suddenly in a nightmarish one.

Well tonight, Ibrox suffered a reversal every bit as bad, and they lost the one thing they genuinely had on their side, which was time. Time to think and ponder the kind of club they want to be. Time to examine the managerial candidates available to them and to make sure that they got the best of what was already not a great selection.

That’s not happening now. Tonight, the luxury of that was snatched away, and if you check their forums tonight that will be crystal clear. Seventeen days would have been a reasonable timeframe for them. Instead, I think they might be down to the bare minimum. 48 hours. 72 hours. They have a massive game looming at them out of the shadows like a mugger, a match against a St Mirren side who will give them every bit as big a test as the Cypriots did tonight, and I think there’s a very real chance that they will try and have someone in for it.

No-one is that daft though. But they dare not return after the international break without an appointment, that’s for damned sure. There will be no process in which they whittle down the candidates list. The caretaker bosses – the hilarious double act of Davis and Rae – have been every bit as shambolic as we all thought they might be as we sniggered over the appointment of the uber-staunch at the weekend and how it was greeted by the fans.

They’ve dropped the ball at the first time of asking, and in such a fashion as guarantees the fury in the stands.

“How long until it blows?” is not applicable here at all.

Check the forums. Buddy, this is already blown.

That club dare not leave them in charge a minute longer than necessary.

The clamour for a swift appointment will reach a crescendo. The board knows it should take time here, they know this can’t be a knee jerk decision. But it will be.

I sincerely hope they enjoyed their wee moment last night, because harsh reality, in all its gory glory, has slapped them hard in the face tonight in Cyprus.

That is one of the worst results that a Scottish club has suffered in continental competition in years, the worst since the shambles their team endured against Progres Niederkorn. It could only have gotten worse for their fans had Alex Rae jumped out of the bushes, like some raised-from-the-dead stalker to offer them some staunch reassurance. (I apologise to anyone I’ve inadvertently given nightmares to in conjuring up such a ghastly image.)

The scale of their crisis has now come sharply into focus, and the more sensible of their fans realise that any manager who comes in right now is going to be cursed to work with a squad which has already chucked it, and which is a talentless shower who look as if it was thrown together by a rank amateur Football Manager player working his way down the transfer list without knowing what any of the player data numbers mean.

The best thing for them to do would be to write this season off completely, League Cup and all, and plan.

Plan for the season after it.

Do their due diligence. Put the manager hunt off until they have a comprehensive strategy, including the hiring of a director of football, which they are going to do after they appoint a new boss? That’s utter madness of course.

But like the colonial marines looking at the sparks and flashes of light emitting from the fusion system which is melting down with four hours left, these guys don’t have the luxury of that because the fans will simply not stand for it.

They wanted Beale out, although this massive game was coming up.

Now they want the temporary bosses sacked.

And they’ll get what they want because they always do.

Any new manager who comes in over there at this crisis point, right at rock bottom, their lowest ebb since Pedro was strutting his stuff in those bushes outside the stadium in Luxembourg, will have to face hard times.

And as I ponder that, it’s another moment from Aliens which comes most readily to mind; the marines strapped into their seats as the drop-ship is about to begin its free-fall descent to LV-426 where the aliens are waiting.

“We’re on an express elevator To Hell,” Hudson says, “Going down …”

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  • James Campbell says:

    You stop telling them how to run their club,you might Go on the short list.!!!

  • Johnno says:

    Scum joy lasts less than 24 hours currently.
    Even the thick mutant zombies within the scum support, have already ran out of fingers to count the defeats so far this season.
    That’s taking into account the thicks can count that high in the first place.
    The scum board will be under some amount of pressure now, and expect the panic appointment to be made?
    Of course that means trying to find such an eejit in the first place also.
    To say how bad the scum remain is a total under statement, and deserved to lose against a pub team from Cyprus.
    The level of football the scum still produce is atrocious, along with the biggest heap of shite, I can recall seeing out on a football field.

  • John Howie says:

    Watch ‘Mike Bassett – England Manager’
    That’s where Sevco are now!!!!!
    … and I don’t think even Mike Bassett would take that job!!!!!


  • Ryan Ellis says:

    ‘Game over man, game over!’ Hee Hee.

    • James Forrest says:

      Hehehehe 🙂

      • William Melvin says:

        James,don’t you just love it when a great plan (in their eyes) comes to fuck all ?
        I hope St Mirren realise the position they are in and really go for the jugular on Sunday.
        Can you imagine the level of fallout if they were to lose 5-0 to the Buddies !

        • James Forrest says:


        • Captain Swing says:

          A similar event done for Tony Mowbray, but he was a permanent appointment…. well, you know what I mean!

          Has a caretaker manager ever been sacked? I’m asking for a friend, so I am, what about ye, etc etc?

  • SSMPM says:

    I’d rather get my happiness from our team’s success but in the absence of that this pair’s failure will do just fine. They say cheats never win but sadly sometimes they do except for CBT Rae. What a loud mouthed bigot career loser he is. Just love it when an arrogant loudmouth critic gets his chance and fecks it up, again and again.
    That result and performance under Dumb and Dumber’s governance couldn’t be more apt, just or more deserving. HH

  • Joey says:

    C’mon the ranjurrz
    The biggest charlatan at ibrox is the lad used to run a hairdressers on coronation street….David Platt aka James Bisgrove! What an utter chancer and spoofer! The pretendygers get what they deserve though as comforting pish is all they want to hear…that they won the summer transfer cup….put down a marker for next year….Glasgow bragging rights for winning a dead rubber match against Celtic, etc.
    The ibrox AGM should be a cracker and might even top the famous tent AGM….oh the banter years keep rolling

  • Johnny Green says:

    I reckon they should appoint two managers, so that they have a continuous conveyor belt of replacements for every crisis point they reach.

  • W. Mottram. says:

    Looking to the immediate future I don’t see us
    getting anything from the Athletico games, I’d
    love to be wrong, so we could finish in fourth place.
    While it’s good seeing Sevco get their comeuppance we’ll be looking for co-efficient
    points to safeguard future qualification.
    It sticks in the craw but a couple of wins for them would suit us and the hope that Aberdeen can get
    a few points would help too. Catch 22.

  • John S says:

    The illusion has evaporated. I think all the other SPL clubs are better than Aris. Time to make a name for themselves, putting the charlatans to the sword.

  • frank forrest says:

    Anyone have Murty’s number on speed dial?

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