Celtic Fans Are Laughing At Ibrox’s Reality TV Star Wannabe And His Delusions Of Grandeur.

It is not often that I take apart an entire article that isn’t written by Keith “The Jackass” Jackson. It is rarer still that I do it with one that is almost entirely comprised of a single interview. But the piece that came out last night about Todd Cantwell’s latest blathering is so ridiculous that I knew I simply had to. It is a masterpiece of self-slobbering.

There were two versions of it this to choose from; I went with the one in The Record as the other was in The Sun and it was too much for even my stomach to handle. The Record one parses a lot of his bizarre statements and leaves out the more rambling bits – “It’s a completely different club, a completely different league. The leagues are very different and, obviously, it’s a different country as well. The two can’t really be compared, I don’t think” – to focus only on the bare essentials. I never thought I’d congratulate them for dumbing down.

(From The Sun. Dumbing down from The Sun. Yeah, thanks, I guess.)

But there’s a section in The Record version which oddly doesn’t appear in The Sun’s, and I think it’s an important omission, and that, ultimately, is why it’s theirs I’m going to do. So, because I don’t want to spend all morning on Todd Cantwell, let’s get at it.

Todd Cantwell claims (his club) WON’T regret title failure as he insists they have the mentality to get it done is the headline.

And isn’t that a beauty of a start? The writer, Scott McDermott, isn’t the sharpest tool in the box but even he knows that this is the story of the day, the admission from a professional at the club sitting second in the league that he and his team-mates are mentally prepared to fail because they believe that they’ve succeeded just by making an effort.

This is the part that The Sun didn’t think was worthy of highlighting. Which goes to show what the calibre of their crack team of sport writers is. If you thought The Record had to employ the daftest people in the business in all of Europe, we might have to re-evaluate that. A kid fresh out of journalism school would have sniffed that as the main story.

And just in case you think that maybe that’s a misunderstanding of the headline, McDermott’s sub-headline makes it pretty clear that it’s not.

The midfielder is more focused on the fact that Philippe Clement”s men hauled themselves back into contention with Celtic.

There you go. A winner’s mentality right there. It’s the taking part that counts. The justification that has been offered by every second-place finisher in history.

So, let’s dive into the main piece, and … laugh.

(Ibrox) ace Todd Cantwell has warned critics that he won’t change his personality for anyone.

Warned them? Why would you ‘warn’ someone of that? What’s he going to do if they keep on slagging him? Break their kneecaps with a ballpein hammer? And who amongst us has asked him to “change his personality”? His personality is hilarious; part wannabe reality star, part fantasist, part pretend footballer … it’s hugely entertaining watching him stroll onto the pitch in that hairdo and then hide when the going gets tough as though he doesn’t want someone ruining it.

And the Ibrox playmaker says Philippe Clement’s side DO have the mentality to become Premiership champions. Cantwell has attracted attention since he arrived in Glasgow from Norwich last season. Whether it’s been his displays on the pitch or his social media presence off it – the 26-year-old has come under fierce scrutiny.

He “attracts attention” the same way Diana Spencer did; by flouting herself in front of the cameras all day, every day, by constantly seeking it out. Only this joker has Instagram so that he doesn’t even need to wait for interviewers or fans to show up. As for his “displays on the pitch”, you’ll have noticed the absence of interest from Atletico Madrid … or anyone else, really. He’s not even linked with a move to Saudi Arabia, and even Connor Goldson has stories like that.

Former Celtic striker Chris Sutton accused Cantwell of diving in a game against Aberdeen earlier this season – then had a pop at him after the recent 3-3 (Glasgow Derby) draw with Celtic for getting involved in a post-match scuffle with Callum McGregor. Cantwell, who produced a man-of-the-match performance for (his team) in the Scottish Cup semi-final win over Hearts last weekend, says detractors don’t affect him. And as he tries to help Philippe Clement’s side win the title this term, he’s adamant that he’ll change for no-one.

Yeah we heard you the first time, McDermott, he’s changing for no-one.

As for Sutton, Sutton is paid to offer his opinions. I don’t always like them myself, but it’s the guy’s job to offer them. If he called Cantwell a diver it’s because he was. If he talked about the after-match scuffle, then what about Cantwell himself posting a proud picture of it on social media as if he’d seen McGregor off the premises? In fact, all he’d done was look like a whiny little bitch.

Sutton had a go at him in October in which the big man said the following, and I’m still laughing at it to this day; “I think at this moment in time, he’s away with the fairies! I really do. The sort of frustrating thing is that for someone who to date has had a bang average career, he doesn’t half have a high opinion of himself. The truth is he’s better known for his social media presence, being on TikTok, than he is for what he’s done on the pitch …  Michael Beale signed Todd Cantwell … he went missing in action against PSV in the Champions League qualifiers, missing in action against Celtic, and you go back to last season in the big, meaningful games against Celtic, what is your memory of Todd Cantwell? Stealing a water bottle away from the Celtic midfielder Reo Hatate. Not a ball, a water bottle away from Reo Hatate.”

 Ahead of today’s vital Premiership clash with St Mirren in Paisley, Cantwell said: “It would be easy for me to be a lot more introverted as a person. But I don’t want to ever live a lie. I don’t want to be false.

 So that attention seeking clown on Tik-Tok, which people have occasionally brought to my attention, is the “real” Todd Cantwell? Jesus wept. I never bothered about it because I thought it was some sort of self-parody, done with at least a modicum of self-awareness. Holy Hell.

 “The same person I am off the pitch is the same person I feel I am on it. People are always going to have opinions and they will differ. A lot of people will make their own minds up. That’s life and football.

The “person” he comes across as on social media has actually got very little to do with what most people call “life” and even less to do with “football.” When I call him a reality TV wannabe, that’s exactly what I mean. He has the sort of self-absorption we only used to see in clinical sociopaths.

“But I don’t plan on changing for anyone. The people who are important to me know me and they are happy with me.

Again, who ever asked him to change? I do love the assertion that the people “close” to him are “happy” with him … Ted Bundy’s mother loved him until the end too.

“I don’t need verification from people who are irrelevant to me. That personal scrutiny is a bit strange because there’s so much more going on. But it seems to be highlighted quite a lot.

Uhm … because you encourage it? And even demand it?

Wasn’t this interview supposed to be about football?

How did we get onto “the rise and fall of Todd Cantwell” anyway?

And I always love it when people dismiss the views of others are “irrelevant” to them. It’s so irrelevant that you’ve devoted the better part of the interview to saying how happy you are with yourself and how you aren’t bothered about what anyone else says? Why mention it at all then? To me that reads like those people you see sometimes on Facebook where every day starts with a post about how happy they are now with life and how comfortable they feel in their own skin, and who later in the day are “shouting out to the haters” about how they are getting on with their lives … and ten minutes later are posting more about the haters, and then more about getting on … they spent an awful lot of time and energy telling “the haters” how they aren’t relevant too.

“I’m the type of player that invites conversation, I know that. And probably a bit of controversy as well. But I would like to be talked about in terms of how I play football more than anything else.

You invite conversation as a player? The only conversations I’ve ever taken part in are about why in God’s name anyone thinks you’re a half decent footballer at all. And yeah, when you steal water-bottles and challenge Celtic captains to a square go when you have six of your team-mates holding you back from ever having to risk the inevitable slapping, that will generate some headlines. More than about your performances anyway, which I think is half the point, and one that Sutton had already made quite brilliantly.

“I understand up here you have people who need to stay relevant and stay in the limelight. But for me, I’m concentrating on my football.”

Then … uh … maybe just concentrate on it? And if that’s a reference to Sutton, this is a guy with two newspaper columns, regular radio appearances and who is on the telly on Sky Sports every other week. He’s already pretty relevant. He doesn’t need to be hanging onto some preening footballer’s coat-tails to stay in the media spotlight. He is the spotlight. Which is why it was absolutely stupid to ever have challenged him in the first place.

(His team) were in control of the title race a few weeks ago but after failing to beat Celtic at Ibrox and dropping points against Ross County and Dundee – they’re chasing again. With five games to go they’re three points behind Brendan Rodgers’ side.

Yep. And he played a starring role in those games by … ahem … barely showing up for them. But he did post a lot of defiant stuff on social media before and after each one …

Their character has been questioned in recent weeks but Cantwell is convinced they’ve got the mental strength to come out on top. And he says there will be no regrets if they don’t – because at one stage they weren’t even in the race to be champions.

And. Here. We. Go. Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing you’ve read in a long time? We have the mental strength of champions … but we won’t be that bothered if we’re not because, hey, in the end we got pretty close and that’s what really matters?

Cantwell said: “I think mentality comes down to the big games. You need to be ready to be judged on the big games and how you react within that.

And he has been. And laughed at after a lot of them.

“I think the group here has the mentality to achieve everything we want to achieve this season. But saying it and doing it are two very different things.

“You scribble that down in your pad there … you make a note on that. As long as you write down that saying a thing and doing it are two separate things … but then, your wife probably already told you that.”

“Everyone in the changing room is excited to finish the season and finish it strong. If we do exactly what we’ve set out to do, the mentality will no longer be questioned.

Big If there. Like the size of Mount Everest.

“Will we regret it if we don’t win it? Not necessarily. Because it wasn’t in our own hands at one point when we were eight points behind.

But at the start of the season, it was in your hands, right? And not four weeks ago, back in your hands, right? Or am I wrong?

But again, that assertion that if they don’t win they’ll have no regrets … that’s the last thing I’d want to hear from one of my players if I was a Sevco fan. That’s the attitude of a pampered, self-satisfied millionaire who doesn’t give a monkeys.

“So what we’ve actually done is put ourselves back in contention. Yeah, we had a little slip when things were in a good place. But the season is by no means done.

Back in contention.

From being top to being second is putting yourself back in contention.

Yes, if you upturn the entire English language as it’s used to discuss sporting endeavours, I suppose it is.

But of course the league isn’t done. Do you hear anyone at Celtic talking about how when it is there will be “no regrets” if we don’t finish it with the silverware? Can you even imagine the headlines that would be generated if someone did?

“We’ve got six games and we need to win every game. If we do, then I think it will be a good season.”

Uh … well, duh!

Or to quote another Todd, Todd Hockney from The Usual Suspects;

“Did you put that together yourself, Einstein? What, do you got a team of monkeys working around the clock on this?”

Jesus wept. This is how I’ve started my day …