Celtic Rocked By Staggering Peter Lawwell Con Job – An Exclusive By Keith Jackass.

Celtic Rocked By Staggering Peter Lawwell Con Job – An Exclusive By Keith Jackass.

Celtic is reeling this afternoon as reports surface that Peter Lawwell conned the fans by taking to the field for yesterday’s title celebrations dressed as Santa Claus, in order to trick supporters into applauding him as he presented the trophy to the players.

This news is bound to inflame a Celtic support which was already at the end of its patience after a season which has delivered a mere league championship, although they are also due to compete in the Scottish Cup final. A club which was already mired in controversy after the manager publicly extolled the virtues of Willie Collum as he was named head of referees did not need to be embroiled in any further scandal.

This news today could shatter their fragile morale prior to that looming match at Hampden against the brilliant Phillipe Clement and his side, which has finished a mere point behind the position they were in when the previous manager was sacked. The eight-point gap, which is largely the result of bad performances under Michael Beale, does not hide the glaring deficiencies at Celtic, or the truth about how wonderful the Ibrox club has been under its elite manager.

I spoke to one Celtic insider, a man I will refer to only as Macca, who was incensed to discover that the man who presented the manager with the trophy yesterday was none other than the chairman, Peter Lawwell, whom he frequently criticises on a clickbait blog.

“I’ve been a great admirer of Santa Claus for many years now, since my kids were born in fact, and I genuinely believed I had witnessed one of my heroes presenting the cup yesterday afternoon. Furthermore, the manager and the players have done their level best to bring this club to the brink of the double. For the chairman to endanger this process in such a fashion, just to milk a few seconds of applause from the crowd is both outrageous and wrong.”

A former Ibrox player, Kris Boyd, has predicted a dire summer of division at Celtic Park, in which the manager’s transfer budget might very well be affected. Speaking exclusively to this writer, this high-profile member of the media elite believes that it will cause serious strife across the Parkhead club when the facts of this are made publicly known.

“Celtic deserves everything it gets. Imagine the position this put me and other bears in. Back in December I told my children that Santa was one of us and that he would no longer be delivering presents to the Celtic fans or their kids. They even left him extra milk and cookies when they learned that he would be supporting our club. Yesterday I had to tell them that Santa wasn’t coming to our house again as he was now a fenian. Imagine the confusion? Now I have to tell them that a bad man was only pretending to be Santa and that he might be one of us after all … I don’t know how they’ll cope with it. I just hate the way that club makes us behave. Hopefully this will lead to a complete meltdown, and their transfer budget will be severely cut.”

This paper emailed several Celtic fan-sites for comment; none returned our inquiry, perhaps because they are all too shocked to respond. This writer did reach out to Brendan Rodgers, and he did agree to speak on the record.

“Santa? Are you mad, Keith? Do you believe in the Tooth Fairy as well? I mean, when I think about if, you lot believed in Warburton, Pedro, Gerrard, Van Bronckhorst, Beale and now this guy. You don’t accept that your club is dead … maybe you do believe it? Peter Lawwell was sitting up in the stand when that guy came onto the pitch. Stay off the cheap wine.”

Peter Lawwell was unavailable for comment; his personal secretary told us that he was somewhere in the city, moonlighting as The Easter Bunny. Someone in Lapland reached out to us, and threatened to sue for suggesting that the man at Celtic Park was an imposter.

The irate caller got very angry when this writer asked if he was serious.

“See you in December,” he said. “But your kids won’t.”