Doncaster And Others Can Get This “Old Firm Game Abroad” Idea Right Out Of Their Heads.

As a movie lover, I often find myself discussing films with others, and they’re usually surprised when I tell them that I’m not a fan of the Bond series. Don’t get me wrong—there are some outstanding movies in that franchise, and I’m particularly fond of Skyfall, which I consider a cinematic masterpiece. But overall, the series leaves me somewhat cold.

So, if you asked me why Thunderball was remade, I couldn’t tell you. The only thing I know about the remake is the reason behind its title, Never Say Never Again. It was a response to Sean Connery’s firm stance that he would never reprise the role that made him famous. When he eventually agreed to return, the title was a cheeky nod to his earlier declaration.

I’ve always liked that story because I’ve always liked the phrase “never say never.” You don’t know what’s going to happen. You can’t predict what changes might sweep through your life or the world. So, the idea of ruling something out completely and forever strikes me as a bit silly.

Don’t get me wrong; we all have our limits.

But on most things… “never”? Are you sure?

Earlier this week, Neil Doncaster did an interview. I wrote about it extensively and even did a podcast on it, but I focused solely on one part of the interview—his comments on an independent football regulator and why Scottish football supposedly doesn’t need one. I strongly disagree with that contention.

But that wasn’t all Doncaster discussed. During the interview, the thorny issue of playing a Glasgow Derby abroad was raised. Here’s what Doncaster said:

“I think football is often criticized for not being open to change, for being inflexible and lacking in imagination when it comes to new ideas. So I do think we should be open-minded about any ideas, however superficially challenging they might be, rather than dismissing them out of hand. For that reason, we will certainly be monitoring developments in this area carefully. If you look at a number of foreign leagues, they currently hold their Super Cups overseas, and that has proved to be quite a commercial initiative. But I do think league games being played overseas is a particularly difficult concept. It’s hard to see fans, particularly home fans, embracing the idea of home games being played thousands of miles from their home. British football is not the Harlem Globetrotters, and for that reason, we will certainly not be at the forefront of moves to play league games overseas.”

You’ll remember that I just said I think it’s silly to rule things out completely, right? Well, here’s an exception. This is one of those times where you can safely say “never.”

Never. Never ever, ever, ever, ever, never.

Let me put this in proper terms since just saying “never” doesn’t fully capture how strongly I, and many others, feel about this dirty, grubby, stinking, reeking, pox-ridden idea.

There aren’t enough invectives in the English language to convey the horror I feel at even the prospect of this happening.

Doncaster’s statement does almost rule it out in the context of domestic league football, acknowledging there would be resistance and obstacles. He underplays it by fathoms.

Opposition is far too mild a word for the reaction this would generate, and this is one of those occasions where I do think I can speak as fully for the Ibrox support as I can for our own fans; to say this wouldn’t be tolerated in any way, shape, or form is an understatement.

Neither set of supporters would allow this. Not only because it would rob fans of the chance to watch their team in their homeland, but especially for Celtic fans, the commercialisation of this rivalry would hit too close to the Old Firm Inc. concept for comfort. Few things could trigger a major uprising against the board, but this would be one of them.

In his statement, Doncaster mentions how certain countries play their Super Cup games overseas, with La Liga being the most notable.

But first, we don’t live in those countries, and second, we don’t have a Super Cup competition here. Our Scottish Cup winners don’t play our league winners on the opening day of a campaign as if it were some sort of early-season title decider.

Spare us the idea. No one wants that.

Doncaster may have killed that idea stone dead forevermore, now that it has a vocal constituency anyway, because now, if anyone ever suggests it again, there will be an inherent suspicion that the game is being softened up for such a dirty, grubby endeavour.

It’s off the table, now and for all time.

Our board got lucky when the Ibrox club pulled out of the Australian tour. We got lucky because there was widespread opposition to playing that game over there. It wasn’t as vocal as on the Ibrox fan forums, but they’d be kidding themselves if they didn’t think it was substantial. I was utterly opposed to it and would not have watched it. Instead, on the day of it, I would have written an incendiary article condemning us for ever agreeing to play it.

It was, and remains, a particularly grotesque example of the board’s stupidity and inability to read the room and understand the support. The idea that we want anything to do with some kind of Old Firm fest in America is staggering.

Keep us the **** away from that kind of thing, now and in the future.

We want no part of it.

The one area where I’ve always given the board some modest benefit of the doubt, in fact, is in their disavowal of the whole “Old Firm” thing.

The reason I give them that benefit of the doubt is that they know there’s no possible commercial upside for us. That whole concept drags us into a gutter we’re well out of, and fans are revolted by the idea anyway. They couldn’t hope to make money from it. Anything associated with it would be boycotted and shunned forever, and they would be blasted from every angle for even entertaining such a disgusting concept.

Doncaster seems to think we shouldn’t rule anything out that increases the marketability of Scottish football. But the fact that he’s been asked about a game between two specific teams proves this has nothing to do with Scottish football. Nothing whatsoever.

I don’t know how Doncaster believes it’s in our interests to market this on a global stage as a two-team league. It’s exactly this kind of thinking that has landed us in the present mess, where major commercial sponsors shun us.

Another section of the interview focused on him defending yet another contract with a betting company. If it’s not betting companies, it’s booze. Why does he think that is? It’s because that’s the image he and others have hung around Scottish football’s neck.

A nation of bettors and boozers—that’s the image of Scottish football these people present. They have no imagination and no ambition for the game. It’s no surprise they would be comfortable marketing this league as a two-team affair. But it would shock me if Celtic played a part in it, even this Celtic board. Although they were evidently willing to play the friendly…

We’ve all laughed and joked about it being the Ange Postecoglou tour, so what? It’s funny in a sense, and it’s blackly amusing that the Ibrox club willingly signed on to play a supporting role in our main event. Still, I wouldn’t have watched the game.

I had no interest in legitimizing the spectacle because it’s a grotesque one. I wouldn’t have legitimized it any more than I would a freak show.

Doncaster’s comments reveal a mind-boggling contempt for ordinary supporters, the same as La Liga playing their Super Cup in Saudi Arabia or wherever else betrays a contempt for their fans. Any football game played overseas is an expression of contempt for the fans who go every week and put their money into the clubs.

And you know what? The EPL giants and the La Liga giants can get away with it because their TV deals are so huge that money through the gate barely matters. Here in Scottish football, money through the gate is the whole ball game.

In a sense, I’m sometimes pleased that we don’t have a massive TV deal because it means we have something that, whether our boards like it or not, democratizes the game somewhat.

The game belongs to us.

And although Celtic fans in particular may not believe this, we do have the power to stop the train in its tracks and bring down boards because our money funds the whole damn show.

So, Doncaster can just get this idea out of his tiny, worm-like brain. It’s dead. It’s as dead as Julius Caesar and Charlemagne. It is never going to happen. It is a complete and utter fantasy, just like the European Super League was a fantasy—an idea he dismissed only because he’s intent on climbing the UEFA ladder, tongue at the ready if necessary.

Almost everything that man said in the course of that interview showed utter disregard for ordinary supporters and the common good of the game. He wouldn’t recognize the common good of the game if it slapped him in the face.

This game in Scotland is mediocre in many ways, but none more so than in the people who are supposed to lead it. They are a joke. An honest-to-God joke.

And fans aren’t laughing anymore.