Lawrence Shankland, Kyogo And Celtic Should Not Be Mentioned In The Same Sentence As One Another.

I’ve often complained about the dreadful state of sports journalism in Scotland, and it’s beyond a reasonable doubt that we have some of the worst sports writers in the civilized world. Frankly, I have no idea what sport some of these people are watching, but the ones covering football seem painfully, hopelessly clueless about the game.

Today’s irritant is an absurd story being bandied about on certain sports pages. It’s so devoid of merit and so shockingly detached from any version of football reality that I’m almost convinced we’re being trolled. Because if those pushing it genuinely believe it, they know even less about the game than we already think—and we already think they know nothing.

The idea? That if Kyogo leaves Celtic, the club should consider Lawrence Shankland as his replacement. I don’t even have to tell regular readers of this site what I think of that suggestion. It’s breathtakingly bad, mind-numbingly stupid, and incomprehensibly ridiculous. And yet, some people who are paid to watch football actually believe this.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how, while researching something, I ended up on the MI5 website. For a laugh, I decided to download a job application form, but before I could, I had to take an online aptitude test. The premise was simple: if you can’t pass the test, you’re not even worthy of downloading the application, let alone filling it out.

I don’t know what criteria national newspapers use to hire their sports journalists, but it seems to me that an aptitude test of that sort wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world. If there are people working in those offices who think Lawrence Shankland and Kyogo Furuhashi are even remotely comparable as footballers, and that the Scotsman could replace the Japanese international without the club’s supporters starting a riot, then an aptitude test might be sorely needed.

Shankland is almost out of contract and has been available for a knockdown fee for well over a year. Hearts wouldn’t be difficult to do business with if a club came in with even a £2 million bid—and yet nobody’s interested. Not one club.

Just last week, we saw Bojan Miovski of Aberdeen leave for £7 million. He finished last season well behind Shankland in the scoring charts, so what do Girona and its scouts know about Miovski that they didn’t know about Shankland, who scored more goals and would have been available for a third of the cost?

How about the fact that Shankland is one of the most limited strikers in the league? We’re talking about a slimmed-down version of Kris Boyd, scoring goals for Kilmarnock and later for the Ibrox sides, except in the massive games that really mattered, especially against us.

The world is full of footballers like Lawrence Shankland—guys who find their level in poor teams and can do a handful of things very well. And as a striker, by the way, there are worse things to be good at than putting the ball in the net.

But to play at a higher level, that’s simply not enough.

Shankland is not, and has never been, a top footballer. He’s never been close to the level required to play for Celtic or any club of our stature. He would have been a great signing for the Ibrox club, but that speaks more to their current standing in the game than it does to his ability.

So, for the sake of standards, let’s set a new rule. We are no longer allowed to call anyone a journalist, pundit, or commentator—far less an expert—who believes Lawrence Shankland could replace Kyogo. Holding that opinion should disqualify you from any of those titles, or from even putting them on your CV.

Because if you harbour such an opinion—far less express it, let alone write it down and publish it in a national newspaper—you’ve proven yourself no more informed or knowledgeable about football than the dumbest person on The Daily Record Hotline. And as a consequence, you are far too stupid to hold any of those jobs.