There’s a famous scene in Fawlty Towers where Basil, jittery about the hotel’s new German guests, keeps hammering his staff with the mantra “Don’t mention the war!” Then, naturally, he blurts out every possible reference to it, goose-steps round the dining room and finishes by offending everyone in a three-mile radius.
It takes real comic genius to pull that off. It does not, on the other hand, take genius to appropriate war to suit your own needs. Step forward the Ibrox club, whose latest transfer fiasco shows Basil at least had the excuse of concussion—whereas our friends across the city have weaponised a real-life conflict to cover the awkward truth that they can’t afford to spend £4 million plus on a player.
The target was Dor Turgeman, a bright Israeli prospect at Maccabi Tel Aviv. For weeks the blue-topped rumour mill has insisted that a deal was practically signed, sealed and waiting only for the young striker to pick his seat on the easyJet flight to Glasgow. #
Four million quid, they said. A snip. The press kept a straight face, fans dreamt, and any poor soul who pointed out the club’s wobbly balance sheet was shouted down as a jealous Tim and told to remember the incoming “£20 million warchest.”
Then—bang!—this weekend’s headline: “(Ibrox) pursuit of Dor Turgeman hits major snag.” The snag, according to briefings, is that Maccabi Tel Aviv have suddenly grown unwilling to sell home-grown stars because of the “ongoing conflict in the region.”
Apparently the club are circling their wagons, determined to keep a home-based core while the situation with Iran simmers. What timing! The Ibrox club, we’re told, are mere unlucky bystanders. Hearts in the right place, bank book at the ready, tragically thwarted by geopolitics.
You can almost picture the crisis-committee meeting at Ibrox.
Sporting director paces the carpet, accountant produces the latest spreadsheet of doom, someone suggests breaking open the biscuit tin, and—eureka—an intern remembers Basil Fawlty’s finest hour: when in doubt, do the opposite. “Mention the war! Blame the war! Say the selling club won’t do business because of the war!”
Cue nods all round, press release drafted, compliant hacks phoned, narrative secured. The club can’t land Turgeman, but it’s entirely out of their hands. Nothing to do with not having the cash or refusing Maccabi’s asking price.
Ibrox plays its most beloved cards; victims.
Of Middle-East instability this time. I can’t wait to see how they blame this one on the Great Conspiracy of The Unseen Fenian Hand.
Let’s test that story against the facts.
Yes, Israel’s clubs face uncertainty; yes, they’re wary of losing key players on the cheap. What scared Ibrox off was nothing to do with the war. It’s when the press went up.
In other words, if your budget stretches far enough you can still play ball.
But the Ibrox club doesn’t have the £4 million and without a major sale can’t afford it, far less find more if that’s what the moment demands.
These guys haggle the price of stamps. Yet we’re supposed to believe they had four million burning a hole in the tracksuit pocket and were thwarted by Ayatollah Khamenei and Benjamin Netanyahu. Absolutely ridiculous.
Meanwhile, those of us with memories longer than a goldfish still recall other times when the Ibrox club cited “unforeseen circumstances” for the transfer collapse of a transfer deal. Dig a little deeper and it always came down to money.
That club is all over the place. One of the other glaring stories during the week was a pivot towards tying Nico Raskin down on a new deal.”
Translation? We’re skint, so let’s re-package keeping hold of existing players as earth-shattering progress. Which is one side of the argument. The other side is that they’ve been touting his name to clubs all over the place, clubs who won’t play ball at Ibrox’s inflated price because he only has a year left on his deal.
They take their fans for mugs.
But what really grates here is the cynicism of using genuine conflict as cover. Fans around the world have empathy for Israeli, Iranian and Palestinian civilians caught in the cycle of violence. To twist that into a handy smokescreen for transfer market impotence is grotesque. Here’s Basil again, goose-stepping for laughs.
For Celtic fans, the comedy writes itself.
So here’s a modest suggestion for the next time Ibrox plans to pull the wool over the eyes of its fan-base.
Before they make the offer, before they see if it’s accepted, get the excuses in early. Mention the war. Or the famine. Or the refugee crisis. Or the environmental collapse. Or a Ryanair strike or whatever it may be. Get it out there first and make it clear that the deal may be held up or scrapped altogether as a result.
That will be less cynical than this was.
I read another whopper, Russell Martin has convinced Raskin to stay for the upcoming season!
That’s what they have lined up as the story if they can’t convince someone to buy him. Again, 10 out of 10 for comedy
There would have to something about war involving Sevco – Of course there fuckin would…
Conflict, Conflict, Conflict FC, FC, FC !
Now where’s them shipyards when ya need ‘em !!!