Keane set to snub Celtic for lucrative North Korea deal: An Exclusive by Keith Jackass.

Keane Set To Snub Celtic For Lucrative North Korea deal: An Exclusive by Keith Jackass.

Celtic fans are today stunned as news emerges that managerial candidate Robbie Keane is set to snub them for a lucrative job in North Korea.

It comes hot on the heels of a disappointing end to the season, where VAR decisions and suspect refereeing were necessary for Celtic to end the campaign with a mere double, when fans had expected the treble.

Celtic fans had been looking forward to Keane’s unveiling, with the Green Brigade having prepared a special message welcoming him to the club, but all of that has been dashed tonight with the news that Keane is in Pyongyang, preparing to sign a contract with Kim Jong-un’s brand new franchise club, the Prisoners of Pyongyang.

Celtic fans knew Keane was going to Korea, but they assumed he was travelling to take part in a charity friendly, which is happening in the South. But Keane has stunned them by actually heading North instead, and is set to be unveiled before the weekend.

We spoke to a club insider this evening, who talked to us on condition of anonymity.

“I work in admin. I don’t want to actually end up playing for the team,” he said, “which is exactly where I’d be if I spoke about things here that I shouldn’t.”

The Prisoners of Pyongyang are made up of footballers sourced from the political re-education centres and forced labour camps of the North Korean regime.

“Some of these guys can barely stand up,” the insider told us, “But that’s not going to matter, since nobody’s going to beat them anyway. Not unless they want an immediate free transfer straight into the first-team squad.”

A source close to Keane confirmed that talks were ongoing.

“We’ve had offers from all over the world, but this was by far the most attractive,” he said. “We may well have gone to work in Russia for one of Putin’s favourite teams, but Robbie didn’t fancy a pre-season dodging Ukrainian drones. Besides, Korean football is growing in stature around the world, and it’s only a matter of time before the North gets as much recognition as the South.”

When asked about the Celtic job, the source was quick to point out that talks had progressed to an advanced stage, but no offer had actually been put on the table. However, he was also quick to point out that Keane himself may not have signed anyway, depending on what the terms were.

I asked if he meant transfer fees.

He said no.

“Listen, you have to understand, Robbie has worked under the political shadows of Netanyahu and Orbán. Now, I know that Dermot Desmond has a bit of a reputation as a despot, but Robbie prefers the real thing. No proper despot ever sent his son to a party conference to read out a prepared statement whilst he stayed home in the presidential palace. In the end, Desmond’s just not hardcore enough. So, the offer would have had to be pretty great before Robbie could have overruled those other considerations.”

He has been told that he will have absolute control, which is also important to him.

“Getting the players on side should be no problem at all,” the club insider said. “The president has already made it clear that anyone who wants to go his own way, or won’t pull together with the rest of the team, can simply be taken around the back of a building and shot. There are plenty of warm bodies to replace anyone who goes down injured, or through summary execution.”

The club insider told me that Keane will enjoy some of the best working conditions of any manager in the league.

“He will, of course,” the source said, “be provided with an iPad and a whip. He can have a pistol if he needs one, to properly motivate the players.”

Asked how the club had pulled off such an obvious coup, he said: “We simply told him that he could have whatever he wanted. If there was a way to stage a genocide for him, we would certainly go out of our way to accommodate it as much as possible.”

We spoke to a stunned Celtic director about this last-minute snub and, after getting over the initial shock, he rallied very quickly.

“There are still names on our shortlist,” he said. “This is really nothing to worry about.”

When pressed as to who, he took me into an adjoining office, and said: “We are in touch with Paolo Di Canio. We can probably get him to agree. He ticks all the boxes. He once played here.”

When it was suggested that certain elements of the fanbase might not be terribly thrilled by the idea of appointing a self-confessed fascist as manager of the club, the Celtic director shrugged.

“Well,” he said, “since when do we listen to them and what they want? They are only the customers, after all. Anyway, if Robbie doesn’t cut it over in North Korea, we’d happily interview him again.”

Lastly, we were able to get a brief moment with Keane before he boarded his plane and we asked him if he’s really prepared to work for a man who has enslaved an entire country and has one of the worst human rights records in the world.

“I dunno about that,” he said. “I’m a football man. I’ve no interest in politics. Hey, you know they’re giving me a whip and a gun, right?”

“And an iPad,” I said.

“Oh really? I’m getting one of them as well?” he said excitedly. “They never even said.”

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