Roy Keane as Celtic boss? This “box office” rubbish is ridiculous.

It never ceases to amaze me that there is an entire industry of pundits out there being paid a lot of money, in some cases to talk absolute nonsense. Today it is Niall Quinn’s turn, and naturally the papers have elevated that nonsense to the point where it is apparently being taken seriously in some quarters.

Everyone knows by now that Roy Keane was at the game last weekend, and his presence sparked the expected torrent of commentary, social-media posts and speculation. Was he there because of Martin O’Neill’s position? Was he in the building to talk about the manager’s job?

The only reason the idea was taken seriously at all is because it is exactly the kind of stupid, idiotic thing this club might actually do.

But let us be clear about something. That does not make the idea itself serious. It does not mean anybody should take the prospect of Roy Keane as Celtic manager seriously on its merits. We may have to treat it as a possibility because this club is run by people capable of doing something ridiculous, but the idea itself should be laughed out of any room in which it appears.

I know Niall Quinn was his boss. I know there is probably a warm friendship between the two which goes back a long way. But touting Roy Keane for the Celtic job on the grounds that he would be “box office” puts Quinn in the same bracket as all those other people who once said similar things about Henrik Larsson, as though every famous name is automatically something Celtic supporters should drool over.

I have never understood this obsession with “box office” anyway. What does it actually mean? Is football played in a box office? Does football have a box office?

Box office is about theatre, and theatre is about as far away from football as you can get. Theatre is a performing art. It is costume and setting and music. Football is a fifty-fifty challenge in the mud.

What people really mean when they say “box office” is that somebody will sell tickets.

Well, so does a freak show.

And frankly, that is a much closer comparison to what we are talking about here than theatre is.

I once got dragged into an entirely pointless argument when I was a student union representative at Stirling. The student council was actually debating whether a band should be hired on the strength of its name.

A group of us were baffled by the question because, to us, a band should only be judged on one thing: are they any good?

That is exactly the same question Celtic should be asking here.

Roy Keane is a big name. So what?

Has he been a good manager? No.

Does he have the body of work to justify getting the Celtic job? No.

Does he have the necessary managerial track record to come in even as some kind of emergency interim option?

Again, no. That should be the end of the conversation.

Nobody should care about box office. People should care about whether the guy can do the job. That is why this is not really a serious football debate.

Keane does not have a managerial career which demands serious consideration except, perhaps, as a cautionary tale. A warning.

Do not hire this man.

In a normal, sane football environment, the question would not even arise. There would be no debate, no speculation, no endless pundit chatter. Nobody would pay the slightest attention because the idea is so obviously ludicrous.

If Roy Keane was sitting in the stands at Old Trafford during a period of managerial turmoil — and let us face it, when is Manchester United not in a period of managerial turmoil? — would anybody seriously suggest that he was about to become their manager?

No. Because they have enough problems already.

It would be regarded as a stupid idea.

And this is exactly how football clubs get themselves into trouble. They hire people on the strength of name recognition and reputation in areas which have absolutely nothing to do with whether that person actually has the skill set to manage from the dugout.

That is how catastrophic appointments happen.

And those appointments have short-term, medium-term and long-term consequences.

Of course, clubs can make mistakes at the other end of the scale too. You can appoint somebody almost nobody in the country has heard of, as Celtic did with Wilfried Nancy, and then find yourself firing him after eight games.

That was a risk.

But Keane is different because there is already a substantial body of managerial work to examine.

You are not taking a gamble on the unknown.

You are looking at the evidence you already have.

And that evidence is not good.

So when I read the stories today about Roy Keane being “box office,” I rolled my eyes in exactly the same way I do whenever that phrase gets attached to a potential Celtic manager.

It only matters if the person in question is also somebody of substance.

If the name comes attached to a record of achievement, fine.

If there is a body of work behind the reputation which justifies the appointment, then by all means talk about charisma and profile and excitement afterwards.

But those are extras. They are not qualifications.

And it does not matter if the person Celtic eventually appoints is somebody most supporters have barely heard of, as long as the club can point to a serious record of success, improvement or overachievement elsewhere.

That is what matters. That is all you should want. That is all you should ask for.

I would take that over a famous name every day of the week.

Roy Keane should never be Celtic manager in any sane football world. That sentence should not even need to be written.

But this is Dermot Desmond’s Celtic now, more completely than ever.

And with that mad bastard calling the shots, you just never know what he is going to do next.

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