Dhoctor Dhoctor I Have The P.O.F.T.

Hail Hail bhoys and ghirls the Harp is back bigger, better, faster and stronger. Did you miss me these last three weeks? Of course you did, stupid question…

So what have I been up to I can hear you ask eagerly as you pause with cup of coffee in hand hanging on my every typed character.

Well contrary to reports I haven’t been living the high life of Bulmers and beer but instead being studying hard for my degree in Celtic Minded Mental Illness. It was a 3 week crash course and now armed with my diploma from the University of Nigerian Head Checkers and emptied bank account, I come before you today fully qualified to help you with the main ailment in the world of Celtic this week. THE PAWFT!!!

OK the surgery is now open.

Illness: The P.O.F.T (Pre O** F*** Tension) aka as it’s street name the pawft.

Vulnerable: Everyone of a Celtic minded disposition no matter the age group.

Symptoms: The pawft is a seasonal complaint that will occur at least 4 times in an 10 month period and can manifest itself as many as 6 times in the same calendar year. The severity is wide ranging depending on the individual and although some say it gets better with age, for some though it gets worse. The main symptoms which may or may not already be taking hold of you this week include an insatiable appetite for Celtic news. A need to check every single news outlet online at least once an hour, which may even involve in extreme cases things that are normally completely out of character such as browsing the Daily Ranger and tuning into Radio Snyde.

The most common affliction is sleepless nights where dropping off is impossible as you play hundreds of match day scenarios out in your head, while it’s not uncommon for a loved one to wake you up in a state of panic (if you do drop off eventually) as your screaming “Loovens NOOOOOO” from a sweat drenched patch in your bed. Lack of concentration in the workplace is a natural side-effect to this and having to put up with the neanderthals with big red noses and XXXL blue jumpers only serves to aggravate the condition.

Cure: Sadly there is no known cure for the pawft. Many people have tried the cold turkey strategy of avoiding the internet forums, chat-rooms and Celtic media. This I’m afraid only helps to further damage your state of mind and actually talking things over with like minded green & white souls has proven to lighten the burden if for only in that moment.

Your stress will normally peak at around 7 or 8am on the morning of the match. My advice to you my friends and it’s a road well travelled by the Harp. Don’t fight the morning sickness. Force yourself to eat no matter how much the butterflies are tying your insides up in knots. Make sure the food is loaded with grease, have the biggest fattest fry-up you can shovel into your gob (who knows when you’ll eat again, quite possibly Monday…).

While the fry is cooking get the rebel tunes on or if your not of that inclination make do with the official Celtic Songs CD yer daughter/niece/granny (delete where appropriate) bought you for Christmas. CRANK it up, open the windows and let the world know your fighting the good fight against ‘them’ and your own mind. For added comfort stick any Celtic DVD into your player with the sound on mute although one where Celtic are gubbing the Orcs will be an added bonus.

I find the most important thing to remember while all of this is going on is to have a can of beer in your hand at all times from at least 8am and because it’s Sunday make sure you have a few tins cooling in the fridge overnight. Do not let those pesky Sunday licensing laws hinder your progress.

If you are traveling to Paradise for the match make sure you have all the necessity’s when you leave, season ticket, scarf that you’ve had forever and NEVER washed, money, mobile phone and your two alcohol concoctions in plastic bottles for the bus journey. The one from the fridge and the one from the freezer that will be just at a nice temperature for the bus journey home.

If you are staying indoors at your own abode it helps to have your friends arrive at least an hour before kick-off so everybody knows their place and can get their beer chilled. While the company of other hooped warriors will do wonders for your high spirits.

If your heading to a boozer for the festivities make sure your there before they even open the doors and if you make enough noise they might even let you in the back door to finish your can away from normal society. Go for your last cigarette 10mins before the game starts.

If you have made it to kick-off in one piece the only further thing for me to say is to sit back (don’t relax) and enjoy watching our hooped heroes take the good fight once more to the forces of darkness. Revel in the knowing that your morality and upward social being is the polar opposite to their shame and bitterness. Be happy in the knowledge you were brought into this family where you grew up surrounded by decency and your not one of them drenched in anger and hatred for all outside their moronic evil values.

Be eternally thankful you have the four leaved clover on your chest and not the bile on their lips.

Most of all remember, we are Celtic they are not.

Stay safe.

BRING ON THE RANGERS

Harper (you can also find me hungover on Monday mornings on www.LostBhoys.com and stalk me on twitter @DaveHarper1888)

P.S. just who exactly are Bingo, Sonny, JP, Kevin and John-Joe………? 😉