Baa humbug? Super XL edition

No scathing attacks on referees, no talk of questionable offside decisions and could’ve should’ve been penalties, no comments how un-professional and scandalous the SPL/SFA are right now, no talk over official resignations or how much we all still despise the poisoned crankie that is Hugh Dallas.

Today I am having an official-craven-referee-gate bullsh!t free zone. We know the facts, stories, buts and what ifs but it is about time the focus was on the good of our club rather than officials (who partake in secret handshakes) ‘honest’ mistakes.

The top story speeding around the Celtic surf wave at the moment is the great news that english premiership proven, cultured attacking midfielder, Olivier Kapo will be a Celtic player very soon. All I can say is what an excellent piece of business if this story is true. If he signs, he could be a hit in the Bhoys squad if he gets some form together and should capitalize on our sometimes prominent attacking style.

According to the good folks at bbc.co.uk : –

“Celtic are close to completing a short-term deal for former Birmingham and Wigan midfielder Olivier Kapo.

The 30-year-old is set to sign a contract at Celtic Park until the end of the season.”

Great news, some might say that signing could be an early Christmas present but who knows? One thing I do know about is being ‘baa’ humbug. Some people ask me what is my favourite farmyard animal? These people are usually the deranged, criminally insane or wearing rangers shirts. I rarely answer that question as I believe that question may be followed up by a flem in my face or being abused in some way. Now as I have the platform to do so, I can now answer that question honestly and I can reveal that I hate them bloody all.

This stems from a trip to a petting farm in the lakes when I was a child where I was butted by the horns of a little bastard faced goat (No not Alan Sugar) in the stomach, do not get me wrong I did nothing to provoke the double horn headed twit but all I did was try and stroke the furry haired fecker but it still batted me one in the mid-riff.

This all leads to the hatred I have for Aberdeen FC. The land of Sheep, zoophilia prosperity and Scotland’s largest permanent funfair (That’s a weekend of partying for some folks).

Well what can I say about Aberdeen FC? Well here are a few  facts  :-

Fact – Pittodrie Stadium was the first all seater stadium in Scotland.

My view – This was probably to signal to any passing sheep that a jump was definitely out of the question as the football was on, that’s if you call it football, because they still struggle to play it now.

Fact – There are over 30 places named Aberdeen throughout the world.

My view – What are they McDonalds? They sound ever so strangely like a secret franchise or even a cult maybe? What next Zander Diamond opens a New Aberdeenshire in Tokyo??

Fact – The self-seal envelope was developed in Aberdeen.

My view – It obvious that sheep send love letters as well according by that fact. Well closing a normal seal envelope with hooves can be such a task that the sheep has already passed out with exhaustion by the time they have managed to pick the envelope up and also in the meantime develop the motor skills to lick the sticky bit accurately.

Fact – The fastest sailing ship ever, the Thermopylae, was built in Aberdeen in 1868.

My view – Not only does it sound like it could keep your cup of tea warm but it was also the fastest sailing ship ever. The one reason this was built is so the person who invented it could get away from Aberdeen as fast as they possibly could.

And finally….

Fact – Aberdeen is the second most competitive location to do business in, in the UK.

My View – This is mainly because of the next fact –

Aberdeen has one of the lowest unemployment rates in the country.

Aye it is the second most competitive place to do business in the UK as there is nobody employed to do the fecking business in the first place which makes it very competitive indeed.

Now down to the football. As you have probably already guessed we have Aberdeen FC visiting us this coming weekend. So what can we expect from the Dons?

The 8th placed Dons have had more ups and downs than a tranny escort in the Ibrox boardroom in their last few fixtures. (Keep your eyes peeled for the shock horror tranny escort storyline in the Daily Record very soon, as we all know they trawl the internet for their paper full of “legitimate stories”)

Their last 3 fixtures have not been exactly tragic: –

Saturday, 30 October 2010 SPL
St Mirren 2 – 1 Aberdeen

Tuesday, 26 October 2010 CIS Cup
Aberdeen 2 – 1 Falkirk

Saturday, 23 October 2010 SPL
Aberdeen 4 – 2 Hibernian

After being taken to the cleaners by bottom club St.Mirren recently, the Dons have also had a hard fought win against Falkirk and a close to comfortable win against Hibs.

We have to be aware of the threat of Maguire, Vernon, Mackie and most of all ex-Celt Paul Hartley. Hartley has become the Dons key figure since his move back home to Scotland from Bristol City. Not only is the 34 year old the current club captain but he has 4 goals in 8 league appearances. He has again showed his goal scoring prowess from his Hearts days and as we all know at Celtic Park he did pop up now and again and score a wee corker or two for us (Thunderbolt away at Hamilton and the headed goal on the plastic pitch in Russia against Spartak Moscow.)

I can honestly say I have an awful lot of respect for Hartley as a player and if it was my decision he could have been one of the players I would have retained for at least one more season for the Celts. Our midfield and defensive line has to be ultimately aware of the threat Hartley offers the Dons.

I believe he is being told to play upon on his attacking capabilities even though records show most of his goals have come from set pieces this season. He can pick open a defence with a pin-point pass and he can be tough in the tackle so our midfield has to be very careful not to competitively respect him too much or believe that his old legs cannot play as well anymore.

Most of all we have to be very, very, very (That’s right 3 very’s means it’s important) careful about giving away free kicks close to our own box as Hartley will no doubt step up to take the resulting free-kick. He is as still as dangerous from free kicks as he was in his Hearts days and we need not give away sloppy free kicks as these moments could decide the overall outcome of the match, especially if Aberdeen come to defend and want a chance to nick a goal.

All in all this will not be an easy match and the Bhoys will have to be on top form to over-power the usually stubborn Aberdeen outfit. I know they have weaknesses as all teams do and as they have leaked 15 goals in 10 leagues games I hope they have a very bad day at the office and that we attack them so badly that after the match they can only be identified by their dental records.

As for our lads I think the Rogne-nator may start in defence with ‘The Monument’ Majstorovic and possibly Cha Du Ri could be again deployed in a right midfield role.

Who knows? Lenny may switch it about a bit again in the attacking positions but we will be close to as full strength as we can possibly be. Lets also hope Ki continues his rich vein of form and grows even more in the middle of the park, other than that it would be superb to see wee Gary Hooper to hit the net and also Stokes to show more of that ‘unbelievable tekkers’ in mass abundance this time. I also hope that another Bhoy comes to prominence and hits form in the team match this weekend which will give us all something to talk about next week. I hope we beat the Dons comfortably.

Now I greet yee all a fair well and pass the ‘microphone’ to you the great Celtic faithful.

Is Kapo a good signing? What will he offer us? Or do we already have what he can offer us in the starting 11 already?

Will Aberdeen cause us problems?

Can we stem the capabilities of Hartley in the midfield battle?

What do you expect from the Aberdeen tactics?

Any score predictions?