Date: 12th October 2019 at 8:03pm
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King’s Rare Achievement Leaves Celtic In The Shade: An Exclusive By Keith Jackass.

Ibrox was celebrating last night as the City of London conferred a rare honour on Dave King.

Known as “cold shouldering”, it is a privilege which has been conferred only four times in the last fifty years.

This singular accomplishment will help to elevate the Ibrox club to further glorious heights and confirms that the calibre of their board vastly exceeds that of Celtic.

Speaking exclusively to this reporter, an Ibrox fan rep said,

“Do you know how rare this is? What a fantastic day this is for the club and all its fans. This is bigger than a title win. King is a genius. He knows exactly what he’s doing. If I were Ashley I’d be on my toes and away, because we have a chairman here who’s willing to go to jail and everything for us.”

Celtic’s board was said to be monitoring the situation, in the hope of finding a way to get one of their own directors onto the exclusive cold shoulder list.

One board member spoke to the paper last night and admitted how difficult it would be.

“We have no reason to go down this road,” he said. “It would be difficult to achieve, considering our level of professionalism and good conduct. Having spoken to lawyers, they’ve told us that you have to start out on a certain part of the trustworthiness spectrum to even be considered, and none of our present board members tick the necessary boxes.”

One Celtic supporting celebrity, who we will not name, did respond, on Twitter.

“What is the cold shoulder?” he asked in a quickly deleted tweet. “Never happened to me in my life. How do you think I ended up with so many kids?”

The SFA President was unavailable for comment, but an un-named official offered his warm congratulations to the club and to the chairman.

“King has proved himself a fit and proper person,” this official said. “His achievement has brought great credit to this game. If he keeps them up, he could find himself running for the top job here one day. I know I’d vote for him.”

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