Ibrox Club Set To Rake In Billions From New Drink Craze: An Exclusive By Keith Jackass.
Michael Beale could soon be supping the sweet wine of success, as his club prepares to embark on a new business venture which could, in theory, net them billions, which is the global worth of the international market in “hydration drinks.”
Castore are believed to be ready to launch a new product line, named Ibrox Pride, to capitalise on this growing business sector just in time for the New Year. They hope that if the kind of scenes seen elsewhere, with other similar launches, are replicated in their stores that Michael Beale will have his transfer war-chest in time to challenge Celtic for the second half of the season.
Ibrox Pride will come in three distinct flavours; Blue Swagger, Bitter Orange and Lets Go Lemon. Packs will be reasonably priced, at around £16.90 for one of each flavour. But Castore also plan to release several “special edition” patterned bottles which will give Ibrox fans a chance to show off their staunchness at matches. They will be priced at £30 each, and are sure to be a big hit with the younger bears who Castore expects to be clamouring for them.
Celtic fans will be reeling at the news that the Ibrox board has spotted this gap in the marketplace, and their club will be praying that their deadly rivals haven’t hit on a winner here. That Park and Castore are evidently rushing to get there first confers a major advantage on them. It is not inconceivable that Celtic’s directors might have the uncomfortable experience of seeing their own fans drinking Ibrox Pride in the stands of Parkhead.
A Celtic fan site writer, at The Celtic Way, was fuming when we broke the news to him tonight. “I would buy this product. I can’t understand why my own club isn’t selling this. We’re always so slow in getting our act together aren’t we? This would be a huge hit with our supporters, and I know my kids would be particularly excited. What’s it taste like? What’s in it?”
Celtic insiders were so rattled that they tried to dismiss the idea as some kind of rip-off of the fans. A member of the executive, who told us his name was Pete, openly scoffed at the suggestion that his club should make this move, a reaction almost certainly born of panic.
“Peckham Spring with a blue, white and red label on it,” he said, laughing. “Their fans really will buy anything won’t they? And even though I wish ours were a bit more like that … no, this isn’t something I can see us following them into. Those NFT’s of me in superhero outfits, that was bad enough. Had to scrap those after Lenny messed up, didn’t we?”
Ange Postecoglou was equally dismissive, although the lateness of the hour at which I was finally able to get hold of him might have been an issue.
“Four in the bloody morning Keith? Really, mate? And what is this ridiculous pitch you’re making to me? What did you call these? Hydration drinks? Maybe I’m just stupid mate, but I thought all drinks were meant to hydrate you. Speaking of which … I didn’t know cheap wine bars were open this late. Are you boozing at home again? I don’t wanna have to say this again … stop bloody well calling my house. My missus wants me to take out a restraining order.”
Disclosure; This writer was given some sample bottles of Ibrox Pride to take home and try. He expects to review them when he’s gotten over a sudden bout of sickness and diarrhoea.